A Children's Story
Entry by: Sirona
3rd August 2015
The rain fell in great wet splats that exploded on impact, sending tiny droplets to bombard the surrounding pavement. Safe inside his den, Albert watched the water and provided his own soundtrack to the shock and awe that was a wet Wednesday rain shower.
Whatever the weather outside the den, it was snug enough inside. The branches grew close overhead and stuffing the gaps with plastic bags made sure the rain fell down the outside, like a water fall, instead of onto Albert. The cardboard boxes that lined the bottom got damp after a while but Albert had dragged a fresh one there that morning, so the den was comfortable enough, for now.
‘I’ll go when the rain stops.’ Albert promised himself. His conscience was pricking him; he knew that Mum would have expected him home from school at least half an hour ago. He knew that she’d be starting to get worried, but he was still angry with her about this morning and he thought a bit of a scare would serve her right.
Albert hadn’t planned to stay out, though. It was just that when he left school, he had spotted Jason Mansfield waiting for him just along the street. Jason had been after Albert all day, trying to get him to swap his best football card for a rubbish one, and the last thing Jason had said to him was that Albert would swap ‘or else’.
Albert wasn’t quite sure what ‘or else’ meant but he thought it probably involved being pushed around, or shoved into some nettles. Jason had a reputation for doing that sort of thing.
Rather than get into a fight with Jason, Albert had ducked into the alleyway at the side of school, then into his den, and settled down to wait. He’d just finished his snack and was about to crawl out and see if it was all clear outside, when the rain had started.
Albert liked the smell of the streets after it had rained. It was like the weather had cleaned everything, the pavement sparkled and the grass and leaves smelled really green. It was as though the world was starting over fresh. Albert liked that idea, he wished that he could start today over fresh.
His alarm hadn’t gone off, he’d forgotten to set it, and Mum hadn’t noticed he wasn’t awake until almost 8 o’clock. Albert couldn’t believe that she hadn’t noticed! Wasn’t he important to her or something? He’d told her off, and he had to admit to himself now he was alone in the quiet of the den, he hadn’t been very fair or very kind. Mum’s face had got all tight, like it did a lot since Dad left, and she’d shouted at Albert. Mum never shouted!
She’d said that he was ‘just like his father’; once upon a time she’d used to say that in a joking way, if Albert did something silly or a bit rude, like burping, but this time she sounded angry, like it was a bad thingh. Albert had grabbed his bag and stomped off down the road to school without giving her a chance to apologise. That had shown her!
Rummaging around in his bag, Albert found a few cheese biscuits in the bottom of a packet and munched on them as he watched the rain slow down and then stop. The last few drops fell, and then the world was quiet. ‘I’ll go when I’ve finished these biscuits’ he thought.
A few more nibbles and Albert realised his time was up, if he didn’t get going soon he’d be in serious trouble for being late even if he used the rain as an excuse. He was just leaning forward to crawl out from his secret space when he heard running footsteps.
‘I saw him coming up here, after school!’ Albert recognised the voice, it was Jason Mansfield. Was he still looking for Albert, even after all this time? Albert froze.
Jason didn’t stop as he passed the bush where Albert was hiding, though, and Albert listened until the running footsteps had faded to silence before he pushed his way out.
It was only once he was out of the den that he realised it was darker than he expected. It was more like evening than afternoon, and Albert frowned in confusion. Pulling his bag out, he hitched it over his shoulder and walked towards the street but just as he was about to step out from the alley, a police car whizzed down the road, past the end of the alley, with its lights on and sirens blaring.
‘Cool!’ Albert thought, and just in case the police were looking in their rear view mirror, he used all his road safety skills when he crossed the street.
It was one of those days when the sky seems to be really low, the clouds were the same dark grey as the pavement and as the last of the daylight disappeared the world looked like an old black and white film. Albert wondered what time it was. He’d know, if he had his watch, but he forgot it in all the fuss and bother this morning. Albert had a nasty suspicion that he had been sitting in the den for longer than half an hour.
The next turning took him into his street, and Albert’s head snapped up in surprise as the grey, dark world was suddenly lit up with colour. Blue and red flashing lights were shining out into the darkness, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, Albert realised they were parked outside his house.
Albert panicked. All he could think was that something terrible had happened to Mum, and without him even having to think about it, he was running down the street, past the cars, down the drive and bursting through the front door screaming ‘MUM!’
His house was full of people. Mum, Nan & Grandpa, Dave & Maureen from number 27 and at least three police officers. Albert tried his best to dodge them, to find his Mum.
She was sitting on the sofa, a mug of tea in one hand and a tissue in the other. She looked awful, whatever had happened, Albert realised, it was bad; worse than when Dad left. The moment she saw Albert, she dropped cup and tissue and stood up to grab him and pull him into the tightest squeeze. She was crying and trying to talk at the same time, Albert wasn’t sure if she was telling him off or just telling him that she loved him. He decided in the end it was both.
‘Well son, you’ve given your mother quite a scare,’ one of the policeman said.
Albert blinked ‘I did?’ He pulled himself back from his Mum’s embrace so he could see her face, and he knew the policeman was right. How had he ever thought that he wasn’t important to her?
‘I’m sorry Mum!’ he said, quickly ‘It was raining, and Jason Mansfield wanted my best card, and…’ he had to tell the truth ‘I was upset about this morning. I thought you didn’t want me any more, because I was like Dad.’
Mum couldn’t answer. Her whole body was shaking with big sobs, but she was smiling, and kissing him, and Albert thought that maybe, just maybe, all those tears would clean everything and they could start over fresh.
Whatever the weather outside the den, it was snug enough inside. The branches grew close overhead and stuffing the gaps with plastic bags made sure the rain fell down the outside, like a water fall, instead of onto Albert. The cardboard boxes that lined the bottom got damp after a while but Albert had dragged a fresh one there that morning, so the den was comfortable enough, for now.
‘I’ll go when the rain stops.’ Albert promised himself. His conscience was pricking him; he knew that Mum would have expected him home from school at least half an hour ago. He knew that she’d be starting to get worried, but he was still angry with her about this morning and he thought a bit of a scare would serve her right.
Albert hadn’t planned to stay out, though. It was just that when he left school, he had spotted Jason Mansfield waiting for him just along the street. Jason had been after Albert all day, trying to get him to swap his best football card for a rubbish one, and the last thing Jason had said to him was that Albert would swap ‘or else’.
Albert wasn’t quite sure what ‘or else’ meant but he thought it probably involved being pushed around, or shoved into some nettles. Jason had a reputation for doing that sort of thing.
Rather than get into a fight with Jason, Albert had ducked into the alleyway at the side of school, then into his den, and settled down to wait. He’d just finished his snack and was about to crawl out and see if it was all clear outside, when the rain had started.
Albert liked the smell of the streets after it had rained. It was like the weather had cleaned everything, the pavement sparkled and the grass and leaves smelled really green. It was as though the world was starting over fresh. Albert liked that idea, he wished that he could start today over fresh.
His alarm hadn’t gone off, he’d forgotten to set it, and Mum hadn’t noticed he wasn’t awake until almost 8 o’clock. Albert couldn’t believe that she hadn’t noticed! Wasn’t he important to her or something? He’d told her off, and he had to admit to himself now he was alone in the quiet of the den, he hadn’t been very fair or very kind. Mum’s face had got all tight, like it did a lot since Dad left, and she’d shouted at Albert. Mum never shouted!
She’d said that he was ‘just like his father’; once upon a time she’d used to say that in a joking way, if Albert did something silly or a bit rude, like burping, but this time she sounded angry, like it was a bad thingh. Albert had grabbed his bag and stomped off down the road to school without giving her a chance to apologise. That had shown her!
Rummaging around in his bag, Albert found a few cheese biscuits in the bottom of a packet and munched on them as he watched the rain slow down and then stop. The last few drops fell, and then the world was quiet. ‘I’ll go when I’ve finished these biscuits’ he thought.
A few more nibbles and Albert realised his time was up, if he didn’t get going soon he’d be in serious trouble for being late even if he used the rain as an excuse. He was just leaning forward to crawl out from his secret space when he heard running footsteps.
‘I saw him coming up here, after school!’ Albert recognised the voice, it was Jason Mansfield. Was he still looking for Albert, even after all this time? Albert froze.
Jason didn’t stop as he passed the bush where Albert was hiding, though, and Albert listened until the running footsteps had faded to silence before he pushed his way out.
It was only once he was out of the den that he realised it was darker than he expected. It was more like evening than afternoon, and Albert frowned in confusion. Pulling his bag out, he hitched it over his shoulder and walked towards the street but just as he was about to step out from the alley, a police car whizzed down the road, past the end of the alley, with its lights on and sirens blaring.
‘Cool!’ Albert thought, and just in case the police were looking in their rear view mirror, he used all his road safety skills when he crossed the street.
It was one of those days when the sky seems to be really low, the clouds were the same dark grey as the pavement and as the last of the daylight disappeared the world looked like an old black and white film. Albert wondered what time it was. He’d know, if he had his watch, but he forgot it in all the fuss and bother this morning. Albert had a nasty suspicion that he had been sitting in the den for longer than half an hour.
The next turning took him into his street, and Albert’s head snapped up in surprise as the grey, dark world was suddenly lit up with colour. Blue and red flashing lights were shining out into the darkness, and with a sinking feeling in his stomach, Albert realised they were parked outside his house.
Albert panicked. All he could think was that something terrible had happened to Mum, and without him even having to think about it, he was running down the street, past the cars, down the drive and bursting through the front door screaming ‘MUM!’
His house was full of people. Mum, Nan & Grandpa, Dave & Maureen from number 27 and at least three police officers. Albert tried his best to dodge them, to find his Mum.
She was sitting on the sofa, a mug of tea in one hand and a tissue in the other. She looked awful, whatever had happened, Albert realised, it was bad; worse than when Dad left. The moment she saw Albert, she dropped cup and tissue and stood up to grab him and pull him into the tightest squeeze. She was crying and trying to talk at the same time, Albert wasn’t sure if she was telling him off or just telling him that she loved him. He decided in the end it was both.
‘Well son, you’ve given your mother quite a scare,’ one of the policeman said.
Albert blinked ‘I did?’ He pulled himself back from his Mum’s embrace so he could see her face, and he knew the policeman was right. How had he ever thought that he wasn’t important to her?
‘I’m sorry Mum!’ he said, quickly ‘It was raining, and Jason Mansfield wanted my best card, and…’ he had to tell the truth ‘I was upset about this morning. I thought you didn’t want me any more, because I was like Dad.’
Mum couldn’t answer. Her whole body was shaking with big sobs, but she was smiling, and kissing him, and Albert thought that maybe, just maybe, all those tears would clean everything and they could start over fresh.
Feedback: Average score: 402 (80%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: The narration and the building of the plot
- Favourite sentence: 'He's just like his dad.'
- Feedback: Simple plot but beautifully executed in the narration.
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: I liked it was told from the boy's point of view. I think you captured his thoughts and fears and expressed them very well.
- Favourite sentence: It was one of those days ... black and white film.
- Feedback: I think you captured the atmosphere very well and I enjoyed the story. Perhaps, in a few places the sentence length could be shortened or made into 2 sentences. I liked that you added most of the senses. An enjoyable read.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: The way Albert's reactions to his situation dictate his actions throughout the story.
- Favourite sentence: just in case the police were looking in their rear view mirror, he used all his road safety skills when he crossed the street
- Feedback: The story is simple, but the central character has a lot of depth, and his motivations are very clear.