We Were Young
Entry by: MarieRose
13th August 2015
“We were young†they said, their words reeking of rehearsal.
The examiner weighed the excuse on his tongue.
“You were young†he repeated, slowly. “Does youth excuse murder?â€
A muffled sob rose from a woman in the crowd.
“As we have discovered, in the early evening of August 11th, these two boys lured Elizabeth Moreland from her parent’s garden to a house on Evergreen Lane which they knew to be deserted. Once there, they embarked on a series of depraved rituals, leaving Elizabeth traumatised and mute.â€
“We were young,†they said. “We didn’t know what we were doing.â€
The examiner turned on them, rage coating his words.
“You didn’t know convincing an eight year old girl you’d killed her parents, and she would be next if she tried to escape, would be traumatic? You didn’t realise cutting out a sparrow’s heart and forcing her to eat it would cause distress? You weren’t aware drowning her cat in a bucket of water, whilst she screamed and sobbed and begged you to stop, would be a harrowing experience?â€
“Sickos!†shouted a man near the front of the gathering, inciting murmurs of agreement from the crowd.
“We were young,†they said shakily, their eyes darting to their parents. “We didn’t know any better.â€
The examiner continued as if the two boys hadn’t spoken, his voice swelling in anger and outrage.
“Not content with these abominable acts of cruelty, you then locked the girl in the cellar, where she remained for 48 hours without food or water, until we found her naked and covered in her own excrement, nails bloodied from scratching at the door until her fingers bled.â€
“We were young,†they said, their voices small and pleading. “We didn’t understand the consequences.â€
The examiner paused and walked steadily towards them, until his hardened face was a mere few inches from their small, frightened ones.
“Then allow me to make the consequences crystal clear. Your actions resulted in the transformation of a happy, carefree child to a haunted shell of a girl, wasting away, unable to speak or bear the touch of another human being, unable even to sleep without waking every other hour, screaming in terror.â€
“We were…â€
“The consequences are a desperate girl leaving a note detailing the horrific things you did to her, her first and last words since the ordeal you put her through. The consequences are a mother and father finding their daughter hanging from the ceiling of her bedroom. The consequences are paying for your actions in kindâ€.
From behind the examiner, a man emerges, carrying two ropes.
The boys’ eyes widen in terror as they try to scramble away, but the crowd surge forward, blocking all hope of escape.
Within minutes the two boys are side by side, their slender necks encircled in the thick ropes of retribution. They are crying for their mothers, yelling for their fathers to save them but only silence greets them. Elizabeth’s mother walks forward, her eyes fixed on the two faces, but they cannot meet her gaze. She stands in front of them for a moment until one boy drags his eyes up to meet hers.
“Please†he whispers.
She kicks the block out from underneath them and watches their bodies shudder, once, twice, three times until they are still. She turns away, the crowd solemnly following her, leaving the two boys swinging, alone in the clearing.
“We were young†their empty, sightless eyes seem to say.
The examiner weighed the excuse on his tongue.
“You were young†he repeated, slowly. “Does youth excuse murder?â€
A muffled sob rose from a woman in the crowd.
“As we have discovered, in the early evening of August 11th, these two boys lured Elizabeth Moreland from her parent’s garden to a house on Evergreen Lane which they knew to be deserted. Once there, they embarked on a series of depraved rituals, leaving Elizabeth traumatised and mute.â€
“We were young,†they said. “We didn’t know what we were doing.â€
The examiner turned on them, rage coating his words.
“You didn’t know convincing an eight year old girl you’d killed her parents, and she would be next if she tried to escape, would be traumatic? You didn’t realise cutting out a sparrow’s heart and forcing her to eat it would cause distress? You weren’t aware drowning her cat in a bucket of water, whilst she screamed and sobbed and begged you to stop, would be a harrowing experience?â€
“Sickos!†shouted a man near the front of the gathering, inciting murmurs of agreement from the crowd.
“We were young,†they said shakily, their eyes darting to their parents. “We didn’t know any better.â€
The examiner continued as if the two boys hadn’t spoken, his voice swelling in anger and outrage.
“Not content with these abominable acts of cruelty, you then locked the girl in the cellar, where she remained for 48 hours without food or water, until we found her naked and covered in her own excrement, nails bloodied from scratching at the door until her fingers bled.â€
“We were young,†they said, their voices small and pleading. “We didn’t understand the consequences.â€
The examiner paused and walked steadily towards them, until his hardened face was a mere few inches from their small, frightened ones.
“Then allow me to make the consequences crystal clear. Your actions resulted in the transformation of a happy, carefree child to a haunted shell of a girl, wasting away, unable to speak or bear the touch of another human being, unable even to sleep without waking every other hour, screaming in terror.â€
“We were…â€
“The consequences are a desperate girl leaving a note detailing the horrific things you did to her, her first and last words since the ordeal you put her through. The consequences are a mother and father finding their daughter hanging from the ceiling of her bedroom. The consequences are paying for your actions in kindâ€.
From behind the examiner, a man emerges, carrying two ropes.
The boys’ eyes widen in terror as they try to scramble away, but the crowd surge forward, blocking all hope of escape.
Within minutes the two boys are side by side, their slender necks encircled in the thick ropes of retribution. They are crying for their mothers, yelling for their fathers to save them but only silence greets them. Elizabeth’s mother walks forward, her eyes fixed on the two faces, but they cannot meet her gaze. She stands in front of them for a moment until one boy drags his eyes up to meet hers.
“Please†he whispers.
She kicks the block out from underneath them and watches their bodies shudder, once, twice, three times until they are still. She turns away, the crowd solemnly following her, leaving the two boys swinging, alone in the clearing.
“We were young†their empty, sightless eyes seem to say.
Feedback: Average score: 305 (61%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: The fact that it addresses a very complex social issue, what happens when children steal the childhood of another child? Of course this story takes the ultimate revenge, but it kind of makes you wonder about your own enjoyment that the parents manage to have the final word, This story gives me the creeps, but in a good way.
- Favourite sentence: “Then allow me to make the consequences crystal clear."
- Feedback: I really like this story, it has a creepy essence about it that works quite well. However, one thing threw me off a bit. At first I thought the trial was just after they had kidnapped the little girl, and that would make sense - but then I realised it must be some ten years later or more, and I was confused as to why the boys are on trial again - surely they would have been trialed just after the crime. However, I like the parental revenge, and I wonder if you could forgo the suicide and just let the parents get revenge for their young daughter.
It's a nice twist, and I feel this story has merits.
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: The relentless pressure of the questions and statements from the 'examiner' has an authentic 'feel' to it.
[Just curious: why 'reinvent the wheel' by using a Job Title which isn't used in the legal system? Why not name him e.g. Prosecution Lawyer / Magistrate / another recognised legal term? Nothing important - this does NOT detract from the quality of your writing!]
Realistic. The "coached responses" of the Defendants "we were young ...." have obviously been 'put in their mouths' by their Social Worker[s] and/or expensive Defence lawyers, it's so true to life, the Reader HAS to believe it. - Favourite sentence: "She kicks the block out from underneath them and watches their bodies shudder, once, twice, three times until they are still."
Granted, this could never happen in our legal system, but how many times have I longed to be the one to do just what Elizabeth's mother does ... - Feedback: Well-controlled management of a relentless winding up of tension. Compliments from the Grammar Nazis, too: this is a polished and well-written piece.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: Adheres to the script and is a readable story
- Favourite sentence: “You were young†he repeated, slowly. “Does youth excuse murder?â€
- Feedback: Could be made better with creating tension, possibly using a view of one person involved, creating fear or anger. Well written but could be improved.
Follow us on Twitter
Follow us on Instagram