Health And Safety

Entry by: percypop

8th October 2015

This Report concerns the full facts of the incident giving rise to my claim as per Reg 23 of the Safety Act 2005.

Inspector Bill Dud and I were proceeding down Oxford Street W 1 on the 13 th of this month, dressed in full uniform and white helmet when I saw a male pedestrian carrying a ladder on his shoulder.

"Hold on” I said "You can't go about with a mounting appliance on your shoulder, it's not safe." I showed him para 4 of reg 21 to prove my point.

"What's it to you?" he says.
"I'll tell you what" I said "I am one of her Majesty's inspectors and I know what's right."

That put him back a bit and he set the ladder down. Mr Bill got out his pocket book to issue a formal warning (under para 4(a 322) but I intervened, in a compassionate way (as recommended by the Ministry.)

“Alright Bill, this time a Caution will do." I smiled, "but don't let me see you do it again. The Regs say a ladder needs two operatives and a hazard notice."
We moved on and I heard the sound of respectful thanks as we turned the corner.

Two minutes later Bill pointed across the street. There in plain sight was a window cleaner standing on one leg as he wiped a shop window.

"Stop that" Bill showed his authority with a massive cry. "you can't do that."
"Do what chum?" said the criminal and he continued to wash down the glass with no sense of shame.

"A worker who is not braced upon both feet risks his health and balance." Bill quoted word for word from the Handbook--a brilliant performance off the top of his head.

"How do you think I do every job?" the scoundrel said without trace of respect.
"This will never do" I intervened "Disregard of regulation 10 (4a) is a punishable offence and I am reporting you."

I took out my red Report book and proceeded to take down his details. Funnily enough, he had the same name as David Beckham. When I commented on it he just shrugged. But I got his address and when he gets home to Brighton pier he will find a summons waiting for him.
We took a break about eleven in a caff off the main road and enjoyed a well-earned cuppa. It was a pity we had to issue a warning about unguarded kettles as it left a very unhappy lady at the counter but we didn't deserve the words she muttered as we reached the street.
We strolled down Mount Street, taking our time to show ourselves to the public in case anyone felt need of us in an emergency. I looked up and could scarcely believe my eyes. Above me was a horse chestnut tree with branches spreading over the pavement.
"Stop! Don't move" I shouted. A boy of about ten was in the act of picking up a conker. I snatched the chestnut out of his hand before he could do any harm.
I bent down and stared him in the face.
"Don't you realize conkers can hurt people? Have you never been told of the kid whose eye was put out in a conker match?"

The little whelp began to cry and people crowded round to see what was going on.
"Stand back" shouted Bill "Nothing to see here" and he held out his arms to keep them away. I emptied the little beggar's pockets and the crowd gasped as six or seven bright new conkers spilled out onto the floor.
Several voices shouted out "Leave him alone, you workers" but Bill and I know our job and ignored this vulgar talk.
I stamped on the conkers and sent the little tyke off with a word of advice. As I turned to caution the objectors, my foot slipped on the conker mush and I fell on my back. Someone in the crowd spoke up but I didn't catch the words, I was in agony-something sympathetic, no doubt. Bill called an ambulance and I spent the next three weeks in Chelsea and Westminster Hospital.
This is the full account of the accident which has resulted on my need for a convalescent period as defined by Memo 743 of The Health and Safety Union Work Conditions.
I claim 14 days convalescence and sick pay for time lost on patrol.
A. Skyve
Health and Safety Inspector.