The Broccoli Debate

The Broccoli Debate

A gavel pounding against a block.

Chatter gradually dies down.

“Thank you. I would like to call this meeting of the United Species of Vegetables to order.”

Rustling of documents.

“Now, I believe the agenda is due to open with an application. The meeting recognises the Carrot Representative.”

“Yes, thank you. I would like to put forward a motion of No Confidence in Broccoli as a viable member.”

Murmurings from the floor.

“Do we have a second?”

A hand is raised.

“The Sweetcorn Representative seconds the motion. Thank you. Please present your case.”

Clearing of the throat.

“Well, as everyone knows, Broccoli has been giving vegetables a bad name since time immemorial. I propose we expunge this unpopular member from our lists and no longer suffer the ignominy of association.”

Cheers around the room.

The gavel pounds again.

“Order! Order! The meeting recognises the Broccoli Representative for a response.”

Nervous shuffling.

“Thank you. Well, I would suggest that the Carrot Representative’s presentation is based purely on subjective reasoning. I have here a 600-page report, extolling the virtues of Broccoli. I am high in vitamin C and dietary fibre. I also contains multiple nutrients with potent anti-cancer properties, such as diindolylmethane and small amounts of selenium…”

“I demand that your medical sources be scrutinised before this report is accepted. I have reason to believe they are unreliable. Besides, health benefits are not the only criteria by which vegetables are judged for membership, as you well know. We are all inherently healthy. Everyone hates Broccoli, and you know it!”

Indignant huffing.

“I beg to differ! President Obama himself gave me his endorsement in 2013. He said I’m his favourite food, effectively ending the unfair ostracism I’ve suffered since President Bush condemned me 20 years before.”

Silence from the floor.

“Is there no-one here who will support me?”

A pause, and then a hand is raised.

“Well, of course the Kale Representative is on your side. Kale is even more reviled than Broccoli. If we succeed here today, I am happy to say that Kale will be next on my list for removal.”

Cheers and then the gavel again.

“Order! Please, Representatives! May we at least maintain a modicum of order? Thank you. I suggest we put it to a vote. All those in favour of removing Broccoli from our membership?”

Many hands raised around the room.

“And all those against?”

A paucity of support.

“Well, the ayes have it. Officers, please remove the Broccoli Representative from the hall.”

Scuffling and protest.

“I’ll appeal! I’ll take this as far as I can go! You haven’t heard the end of this…”

The voice gets fainter until it can no longer be heard.

A brief, awkward silence.

“Right, well, let’s move on to the next item on the agenda – new pesticide legislation…”

THE END