Many Worlds Theory

Dog Days

'Ready for the patients, nurse,' Doctor George stuck the legs of his stethoscope in his ears and tapped the drum. He jumped and shook his head.
'You should stop doing that,' Nurse Petra said.
'I can't help it if I have sensitive ears. It's my breed. Who do we have first?'
The nurse flicked open a hand held consul and gave a purr. 'A new client with a new child. I'll get a welcome pack ready.' She pressed a button on the desk and a computerised voice requested the presence of Rover with "pet" in Consultation Room One. The door opened and a bearded collie entered with a child of five holding onto its tail.
'Welcome to Animals for Humans, the caring human healthcare service,' Petra repeated the company slogan. Doctor George scratched his ear with his hind leg.
'It's my first human,' the collie confided. 'I would like you to check him over and do whatever is needed.'
'It's so cute. Does it have a name?' Nurse Petra asked, rubbing her back against the child's leg.
'Burper,' the collie beamed.
'We have a few Burpers in the practice,' Doctor George said. 'Actually, this Burper is a female.'
'The breeder swore it was a boy,' the collie looked disapprovingly at the child.
'It doesn't make any difference, unless you intend to breed,' Doctor George said.
'No, but I hoped to show him. Her. I don't want boys sniffing around at every event.'
'Don't worry, we can help when the time comes. Meanwhile Petra will tell you about feeding and socialisation while I prepare the vaccine.'
'Will it hurt?'
'Humans don't have scruffs, but I find giving them a treat distracts them.'
Petra offered the child a jelly bean which it spat across the floor. It struggled on the table and cried. Doctor George managed to inject the measles vaccine before the inter-surgical telephone rang. Nurse Petra answered and relayed the message.
'There's an emergency on its way down. A baby has swallowed a plastic dummy.'
'Not again,' Doctor George rolled his eyes. 'Ask Flopsy to prepare the theatre, please.' He turned back to his patient and gave her a lick on the face. She wiped her cheek with the arm of her sleeve. 'We'll see Burper again in two weeks.'
The collie and child departed, with the child's hand deep in a goody bag Petra had provided.
'There's time for the next patient before the emergency arrives,' Petra said. 'It's a lizard.
Doctor George groaned. 'Lizards have no idea how to look after humans. They feed them cheap, commercial rubbish, shut them in tiny cages and either boil them alive or freeze their fingers off. Humans are not designer pets to show off to friends.'
'So you've said, several times.'
'I intend writing in our professional journal about it. What's that noise in the waiting room?'
'Two males fighting. I wish owners would control their humans,' Petra answered.
'I have put up signs, but you cats are the worst. You ignore rules out of principle.'
Petra huffed. She whacked her tail on the button and the next client was announced. A gecko scampered in dragging a woman on a diamond studded lead. Doctor George watched as the woman wobbled to the table on thin legs. A handful of hair fell to the floor.
'A combination of scurvy and rickets,' he diagnosed, handing over a diet sheet. 'Humans need fresh fruit and vegetables and make sure she has an adequate source of natural light.'
The lizard took the sheet and turned to leave, whistling at the woman to come to heel. 'By the way doctor, I intend getting my son an athlete. Would you recommend a footballer or a swimmer?'
'Neither.'
The lizard slammed the door on the way out.
The telephone rang again. Petra answered it while Doctor George cleaned his paws.
'The emergency isn't coming. False alarm. They found the dummy under the high chair.'
'Pity,' Doctor George lamented. 'I like a foreign body operation. Who is next?'
'Tom from the grocer's shop. He feeds his human out of date leftovers. Don't forget "Jimmy" has White Coat Syndrome. Doctor Fido saw him last. He jumped on top of the drugs cabinet where he had a little accident. Jimmy, not Doctor Fido. We only got him down when Flopsy brought a hamburger.'
'Perhaps Doctor Fido should see him again, for case continuation.'
Doctor George pressed the button and the computerised voice sent Tom and Jimmy to Suite Two. Petra frowned.
'I have to work with Fido this afternoon. It's fine for those with the afternoon off.'
'Sorry, what did you say?' George stuck a paw in his ear and dislodged a glob of wax.
'Nothing. Do you want to see Betsy's geriatric grandfather or should I put them with Fido too?'
'That's for a fitting for his new Zimmer. Flopsy can take the measurements. Have we got the lab results for Horace Dobson yet?'
Petra brought up the data on her computer.
'Interesting,' Doctor George ran a paw down the screen. 'Phone the lab and ask them what they mean.'
'I hate phoning the lab. They treat us like idiots. They have a special voice for it. Last time the technician asked me if I was aware male humans naturally go bald.'
'Yes,' Doctor George chuckled, 'but we can keep selling the hair replacement shampoo.'
'A best seller. Pets are so vain about their humans appearances,' Petra agreed. 'Your last patient is another new client. A second opinion from the clinic down the road. That probably means he owes them money. I'll ask Flopsy to take his bank details before we see him.'
Petra and Flopsy had an extended telephone conversation that involved a lot of laughter and the spelling of complicated words. Doctor George banged his tail against the table while he waited. Eventually the client was called. A battle-scarred pit bull strode in followed by four barking pups.
'Where is the patient?' Doctor George asked. The pit bull turned to his pups.
'Which one of you had hold of Butch?' The pups ignored him. 'I'd better go find him doctor,before he destroys your toothpaste cabinet.' The pit bull left leaving the pups to bite the table leg and snarl at Petra when she asked them to stop. They heard a thud and a scream before the pit bull returned pulling a teenage boy by the ear. Doctor George winced.
'How can we help you?' he asked.
'He tried to bite young Tyler here,' the pit bull said. 'I want him put to sleep.'
'A little drastic,' George said, stepping back from the teenager. 'It's probably his hormones. Have you thought about the snip? We could microchip him at the same time.'
'That's what the other chap said. How much will that set me back?'
'If you want to keep humans, you must allow for the cost.'
'He's got distemper,' the pit bull said. 'I read about it on the internet. It's incalculable.'
'Incurable, you mean,' Doctor George corrected. 'I disagree with your diagnosis though.'
'You should teach your pups to be careful around the human,' Petra put in. 'Don't let them disturb him when he's eating and never let them jump on him when he's sleeping. Teenagers need a lot of sleep.'
'The pups were only having fun,' the pit bull growled. 'I didn't get a human to watch him sleep.'
'I'm sorry, we can't help you,' Doctor George said. One of the pups was nosing around his trouser leg, ready to cock a leg. He surreptitiously gave it a kick, sending it sprawling across the floor and into the teenager. The pup whined and the pit bull dad turned to snarl at the boy.
'See what he's doing now. Totally unprovoked,' the pit bull said. The pups bared their baby teeth in imitation of their dad.
'We can give you the number of a re-homing charity,' George said. 'Ask at reception when you pay your bill. Goodbye.'
Petra gave a hiss as the family left. The father dragged the boy out with the pups attached to his arm, chewing his sleeve.
'Some people don't deserve to have humans,' Petra spat.
Doctor George removed his white coat. 'Not a bad morning although I've no idea what is wrong with Horace Dobson.'
'Yes,' Petra said, re-arranging the bottles the pups knocked over. 'Life would be much easier, if only our patients could talk.'