Last Chance Saloon
Entry by: cecrouch
27th November 2015
Last Chance Saloon
Darlin' you know how poor my sight is. I saw the sign, I went in, and sat down comfortably. The staff was kind and considerate, even to the extent of offering me some pretzels and a pint, an unusual gesture which I graciously accepted due to the heat of the day through which I had ventured during the afternoon.
Others also found their way in, perhaps due to the heat out of doors, but unfortunately I recognized none even though I realized they must be of significant social importance to patronize such an upscale establishment. The conversation was informative and inspiring, the number and brilliance of those persons was indeed impressive, and I waited quite patiently to receive the service for which I had entered..
However, despite the otherwise personal attention of the staff and the friendliness of the clientele, no one took the time to inquire as to the reason for my presence. Finally, after several hours had passed and an unnumbered number of pints consumed, I reeled to my feet and announced to the assemblage that I would never patronize the establishment again.
That was the moment you entered and escorted me out to the street.
And now you tell me that I misread the sign and that a Saloon is not a Salon where I can get my hair shampooed, cut and styled! How was I to know? For shame, my dear, for shame!
Darlin' you know how poor my sight is. I saw the sign, I went in, and sat down comfortably. The staff was kind and considerate, even to the extent of offering me some pretzels and a pint, an unusual gesture which I graciously accepted due to the heat of the day through which I had ventured during the afternoon.
Others also found their way in, perhaps due to the heat out of doors, but unfortunately I recognized none even though I realized they must be of significant social importance to patronize such an upscale establishment. The conversation was informative and inspiring, the number and brilliance of those persons was indeed impressive, and I waited quite patiently to receive the service for which I had entered..
However, despite the otherwise personal attention of the staff and the friendliness of the clientele, no one took the time to inquire as to the reason for my presence. Finally, after several hours had passed and an unnumbered number of pints consumed, I reeled to my feet and announced to the assemblage that I would never patronize the establishment again.
That was the moment you entered and escorted me out to the street.
And now you tell me that I misread the sign and that a Saloon is not a Salon where I can get my hair shampooed, cut and styled! How was I to know? For shame, my dear, for shame!
Feedback: Average score: 313 (63%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: The language does have a unique feel to it.
- Favourite sentence: The conversation was informative and inspiring, the number and brilliance of those persons was indeed impressive, and I waited quite patiently to receive the service for which I had entered..
- Feedback: The trouble is, this is a one joke concept and it's punchline is obvious from the start. So you need to bring in other things that will make the reader laugh or make sure you don't signpost the denouement-otherwise known as a spoiler- by telling us she is short sighted right in the first line. They don't make that mistake in the Specsavers ads...
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: A cheeky and funny interpretation of this week's theme.
- Favourite sentence: "Finally, after several hours had passed and an unnumbered number of pints consumed, I reeled to my feet and announced to the assemblage that I would never patronize the establishment again.
"
and also the punch line. - Feedback: A nice bit of flash fiction. You made me laugh. Thank you! One comment I would make is that the sentence including "an unnumbered number of pints" is a little clumsy and that replacing 'unnumbered' with 'unquantified' would make it read better.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: I liked the voice it was written in.
- Favourite sentence: Darlin' you know how poor my sight is
- Feedback: Good opening line, drew me into the personal story.
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