Kill Your Darlings

Kill… Your… Darlings

She was 6

The wind howled outside her window as Jenna huddled under the covers. Her teeth chattered and it was not only from the cold. She squeezed her eyes shut and wished, oh did she wish, that Cousin Peter had not told her those ghost stories this afternoon. Three years older than her, he was not always kind, but at least he was someone to play with.

There was a creak outside her bedroom door and it opened a fraction. Jenna could hear soft footsteps make their way across the floor. She sat up and stared into the dark trying to make out what was there. A hand – cold and clammy, grey skin – appeared before her, reaching out to touch...

'Arrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhh' Jenna screamed as loudly as she could. A loud bang and Jenna blinked in the sudden light that flooded her room, she shivered unable to speak.

'What is it, what has happened' asked her mother staring at Jenna.

Jenna looked up with petrified eyes unable to say anything. A hug she thought. Warm arms to envelop her and make her feel safe. A caress and gentle words to let her know she was not alone.

Her mother frowned ‘Well then, what’s wrong’ she asked.

‘A nightmare’ whispered Jenna.

‘Well really’ her mother said, annoyed now. ‘Jennifer you are old enough to behave. How dare you wake me up in the middle of the night. Go back to sleep' and she walked out the door turning off the light.

Jenna was left alone in the dark with her nightmares.


*****


She was 12

Jenna slowly walked down the steps and towards the rose garden. Her heart was beating fast and she clenched her teeth together. Pausing at the archway she watched her mother clip a bit here and there, and then stand back to look at her handy work. Jenna had accidentally damaged the bush this morning. She took a deep breath and walked across the immaculate lawn. ‘My darling precious’ she heard her mother murmur.

‘Mother’ she ventured timidly coming up behind her.

‘Yes Jennifer’ her mother said not turning around.

‘Mother, I think I may have hurt my wrist’ Jenna said terrified.

‘Jennifer’ her mother exhaled in annoyance. ‘It looks fine, just keep it still’ she said, not even bothering to turn around.

‘But mother’ Jenna said still holding her arm ‘I think it may be broken’. Her wrist did look ok, but ohhh it hurt so much. She tried to keep her voice steady as she said ‘could you please take me to the doctor’.

‘Jennifer’ her mother turned in anger. ‘As you well know today is a very important day and I do not have time to take you to the village. If it hurts that much bind it with a bandage, but I will not have you bothering me. Now go inside, I no have time for you.’

She turned back to her roses and Jenna knew she was dismissed. She walked away trying to keep the tears from her eyes.

‘Darling you will be alright.’ Jenna turned to smile at her mother, only to discover her mother was talking to the roses.


*****


She was 15

Jenna watched from the safety of the crowd as her mother worked the room. Jenna felt anger boil up inside her as her mother sparkled from one person to the next. Her hatred grew in the anonymity of the mass of people. She allowed it ooze out until she could barely breath from the weight of it.

It was the same every year; her mother here to meet and great the greats of the RHS. Talk all about roses and belittle Jenna. Jenna did not know why her mother still brought her. She could understand when she was younger, but she was 15 now and surely her mother could leave her at home. But not next year. Next year she would be gone.

Jenna took a sip of her drink and realised her sleeve had slipped down to reveal the bruises. Quickly she dropped her arm making her wrist throbbed painfully. At least it was not broken this time.



*****


Jenna looked bewildered at her Cousin Peter as he answered the door.

He frowned as he recognised Jenna. He didn’t even bother to look at her husband Ally.

‘Hi Peter’ Jenna said slowly ‘is mother in’.

Now it was Peter’s turn to looked surprised.

‘What do you mean is she in’ he asked looking at her incredulously.

‘Is she home’ Jenna asked slightly sarcastically.

Peter stood there for a moment and finally said, ‘you better come in’.

He lead them inside to the lounge room and asked them to sit down. Jenna looked around her mother’s house in amazement. The decor was completely different, what was going on?

Peter had not sat down, and was now fidgeting in front of the fire place.

‘I’m not quite sure how to tell you this’ he began and then stopped.

Jenna grinned ‘You are about to tell me mother is dead’ she said.

Peter just stood there slightly open mouthed. ‘You’re not are you?’ Jenna said uncertainly.

‘I thought you knew’ said Peter after an impossible pause.

Jenna looked from Peter, to her husband, and back again. Her husbands delicate hand came out and clasped hers in his. This was surreal Jenna thought and her mind went blank.

‘You were informed’ Peter said slightly desperately. ‘The solicitor said you were informed. I just thought you hadn’t come to the funeral, because, well of, you know...’ and he looked awkwardly at Ally and away again.

‘We never received anything’ her husband said in his soft accented voice. ‘When did she die?’

Peter did not acknowledge Ally and Jenna had to repeat the question.

‘Two years ago’ Peter said standing straighter, slightly calmer now. ‘How could you not have visited her for two years’ he asked accusingly.

‘I think that goes without saying’ Ally said.

The silence in the room was impenetrable. Jenna felt like she was floating and she had a mad desire to laugh, to jump around in glee. However, that probably was not fitting. You do not celebrate when you have just found out your mother has died. But she could hardly contain the euphoric freedom she felt.

She looked at Ally who was watching her sorrowfully. She smiled reassuringly at him.

‘I take it you got the house then’ Jenna finally said to Peter.

He looked uncomfortable but nodded once. ‘There are some personal affects which were kept for you’ he said. ‘I still have them, I thought you’d be by to pick them up. That was in the solicitors letter too...’ he said trailing off. Then he quickly hurried out of the door.

‘Are you really alright’ Ally asked turning to Jenna.

‘I think so’ she said truthfully. ‘I really hated my mother, she was horrible to me my whole life so I don’t feel exactly sorry she is dead. Just kind of... free.’

Ally nodded, but he looked at her worryingly.

‘Um, I think I’ll go to the toilet’ Jenna said and pulled her hand out of his clasp.

In the hallway she looked around for Peter and slipped through into the kitchen. Not much had changed in there. Outside she could see the garden and the rose bushes, her mother’s pride and joy, her darlings.

Hanging by the back door were mother’s garden shears. Jenna grinned - one final act she thought.

Eventually Ally came to find her. By this time she had hacked all the rose bushes to the ground. Beautiful flowers lay strewn across the lawn amongst the thorny branches. It looked like a scene from a horror film.

Side by side they stood and looked at looked at the destruction.

‘Well mother.' Jenna finally said to break to silence. 'I just had to kill your darlings.'

She started to laugh manically, until the tears began to fall.