Seven Basic Plots

“I am sorry for your loss. Here at Sunny Daze Memorial Park, we offer seven different prices for your dearly deaprted loved ones. The prices range from high to low.” He looked like a vampire. “Which plan would like to begin? We know you only want the very best for your family member.”

My wife was sobbing at every word. “Tell me about the expensive price.”

He smiled. He should have never smiled. He had two fang-like teeth. “We have The Luxuary Line which is a cruise ship, complete with crew. For a mere, $50,000 your loved one will have the best room, eat first class, have a visit from the Captain, and then they will be buried at sea with their coffin drapped in the flag of your choice. For additional, $1,000 one of the crew members will play Taps.”

“That is too much for me.” My wife growled at me. “What about the middle price?”

He looked displeased. You could see the dollar signs in his eyes fading away. “Well, there is The Average Ho-Hum Jerk Prices. For $5,000, your dearly departed will depart in a plain pine box, dropped into an open grave, we will kick the dirt and cover the coffin anyway we please.”

My wife demanded to me, “if you know what is good for you, you better not go lower.”

“We will take it.” I knew better than to challenge her. I had to live with her and I knew she could make my life miserable. I might have to take out a loan. I did not want to get a long lecture.

“Good,” he agreed. “I will set up the paperwork.”

“Just out of curosity,” I inquired, “What exactly is the least expensive?”

“Once you hear the title, you will know what exactly it does.” He seemed to be warning. I was not certain.

“What is it?”

He smiled like a fiend, “For $5, we offer The Meat Grinder Plan.”