Comedy Of Terror
Entry by: Sirona
4th February 2016
COMEDY OF TERROR
A DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE
FADE IN:
INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM. CLOSE UP ON A HOSPITAL BED, MACHINERY TO EITHER SIDE.
Bill, an elderly gentleman who wears thick glasses, speaks to us in a broad West Yorkshire accent against a backdrop of beeping and whirring from monitoring equipment.
BILL
I laugh whenever I’m afraid. Now, on the surface of things that might seem like a positive, but it’s not. It’s affected my whole life. I guess my brain is just wired up different than other folks. When I should be feeling worried, I giggle. The worse the fear is, the louder the laugh. By the time I’m terrified, I’m howling hysterically. I’m useless with it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I don’t scream in terror at funny things. You won’t catch me quivering whenever there’s a sitcom on the telly. I can have a proper laugh, I’m not that weird.
I first found out I had this affliction when I was a boy. I was a good kid, for the most part. I stayed out of trouble, unless trouble came to find me. That’s what happened, you see. The school bully, a lad by the name of Danny Myers, came and pushed me up against the wall, told me to give him my dinner money. Of course, I were terrified. He saw me laughing and thought I were taking the mickey, challenging him, you know? He starts pushing me all around the yard. The more he pushes, the more kids come to watch, the more afraid I am. It’s like that. Like a vicious circle, you know? And so I were laughing more and more. Teachers broke it up but it looked like I were provoking him so I got marched to the headmaster’s office.
Inside, I felt like I was crying. I was miserable and bloody terrified of getting the cane, or them sending for me father. Outside, I was giggling like a fool. The Headmaster were furious! Danny Myers gets sent back to class with nothing said, I got six of the best! At least the pain stopped me from laughing. Couldn’t sit down for a week, mind.
Wasn’t the last time that happened, it got me a reputation though. They thought I were fearless. (He smiles at the memory.) They did the night of the fair, too. Oooh, that were a good night. There was this House of Horror and word had got round that it was bad. It had become like a dare, with the lads, to prove you were a man. If you could get around this thing, you were alright. One of them. I knew this was my chance. What had happened was, one of the Gyppo’s that ran it, were in a costume and they jumped out at folks. Scared them to bloody death, he did. Not me, well, not on the outside. I laughed in his face, and came out a hero. A bloody hero!
Mostly though, it were just downside. It’s meant I’ve had to make my life…safe. Can you imagine being a soldier, who laughed when they were scared? Or a copper? Fireman? (He chuckles.) No, none of that for me. It had to be a job where I wasn’t going to feel worried at all. I worked for the council, most of me life. Lampposts and dog mess bins.
Oh now, I know what you’re thinking. A man of my age, I must have been called up for the war, right? Well, no. (He taps his glasses.) My eyes saved me. I’m blind without these, too blind to serve. I was in the Home Guard though. (He suddenly sits upright and looks official, speaking firmly.) Put that light out!
It was troublesome with the ladies, too. If I saw one I liked the look of, I couldn’t go and just say hello because I’d be giggling like a kid in a candy store. I had to send a mate, and ask if they liked me, that took the fear away a bit. Enough, anyway. Until Muriel.
I was desperate to have her from the first moment I saw her. The most beautiful girl in the world, she was. Every time I looked at her, I’d get in such a state that I’d be laughing. Have to turn away. I thought it was all over for us before it began but then one night, at youth club, I turn around and she’s right beside me. ‘Billy,’ she says, ‘do you laugh when you’re nervous?’ and just like that I knew I’d been right about her all along. Perfect, she was. Perfect.
She’s with the angels now, left me fifteen years ago. Been biding my time ever since.
We never had kids. Don’t know why. You didn’t, in those days, you just went to church and prayed or listened to superstitions about taking cold showers before bed, or going to the Cerne Abbass Giant and sitting on his…whatsit. Muriel didn’t want to do that.
So it was me and her, just trundling along. Lots of love, lots of happy memories. Then of course, the cancer got her. The Doctor told us, he says, ‘Muriel, I’m sorry to say that it’s terminal cancer,’ and I…well, you know. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe and he were furious with me. Muriel was trying to explain. She shouldn’t have had to. (He gets tearful.) Not just then. I should have been looking after her, she must have been scared to death, and she couldn’t just have her own feelings. She had to explain about my stupid brain. (He bangs on the top of his head, angrily.) I was useless to her.
He collects himself, after a minute or two.
I laughed a lot, after she died.
Now it’s my turn. The doctor used a lot of long words to say that I’m going to be dead soon. I’ve just got to bide my time.
You’d think I’d be laughing, wouldn’t you? But I’m not. I’m not.
He pauses, and says softly.
Muriel’s waiting.
FADE OUT:
A DRAMATIC MONOLOGUE
FADE IN:
INT. A HOSPITAL ROOM. CLOSE UP ON A HOSPITAL BED, MACHINERY TO EITHER SIDE.
Bill, an elderly gentleman who wears thick glasses, speaks to us in a broad West Yorkshire accent against a backdrop of beeping and whirring from monitoring equipment.
BILL
I laugh whenever I’m afraid. Now, on the surface of things that might seem like a positive, but it’s not. It’s affected my whole life. I guess my brain is just wired up different than other folks. When I should be feeling worried, I giggle. The worse the fear is, the louder the laugh. By the time I’m terrified, I’m howling hysterically. I’m useless with it.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I don’t scream in terror at funny things. You won’t catch me quivering whenever there’s a sitcom on the telly. I can have a proper laugh, I’m not that weird.
I first found out I had this affliction when I was a boy. I was a good kid, for the most part. I stayed out of trouble, unless trouble came to find me. That’s what happened, you see. The school bully, a lad by the name of Danny Myers, came and pushed me up against the wall, told me to give him my dinner money. Of course, I were terrified. He saw me laughing and thought I were taking the mickey, challenging him, you know? He starts pushing me all around the yard. The more he pushes, the more kids come to watch, the more afraid I am. It’s like that. Like a vicious circle, you know? And so I were laughing more and more. Teachers broke it up but it looked like I were provoking him so I got marched to the headmaster’s office.
Inside, I felt like I was crying. I was miserable and bloody terrified of getting the cane, or them sending for me father. Outside, I was giggling like a fool. The Headmaster were furious! Danny Myers gets sent back to class with nothing said, I got six of the best! At least the pain stopped me from laughing. Couldn’t sit down for a week, mind.
Wasn’t the last time that happened, it got me a reputation though. They thought I were fearless. (He smiles at the memory.) They did the night of the fair, too. Oooh, that were a good night. There was this House of Horror and word had got round that it was bad. It had become like a dare, with the lads, to prove you were a man. If you could get around this thing, you were alright. One of them. I knew this was my chance. What had happened was, one of the Gyppo’s that ran it, were in a costume and they jumped out at folks. Scared them to bloody death, he did. Not me, well, not on the outside. I laughed in his face, and came out a hero. A bloody hero!
Mostly though, it were just downside. It’s meant I’ve had to make my life…safe. Can you imagine being a soldier, who laughed when they were scared? Or a copper? Fireman? (He chuckles.) No, none of that for me. It had to be a job where I wasn’t going to feel worried at all. I worked for the council, most of me life. Lampposts and dog mess bins.
Oh now, I know what you’re thinking. A man of my age, I must have been called up for the war, right? Well, no. (He taps his glasses.) My eyes saved me. I’m blind without these, too blind to serve. I was in the Home Guard though. (He suddenly sits upright and looks official, speaking firmly.) Put that light out!
It was troublesome with the ladies, too. If I saw one I liked the look of, I couldn’t go and just say hello because I’d be giggling like a kid in a candy store. I had to send a mate, and ask if they liked me, that took the fear away a bit. Enough, anyway. Until Muriel.
I was desperate to have her from the first moment I saw her. The most beautiful girl in the world, she was. Every time I looked at her, I’d get in such a state that I’d be laughing. Have to turn away. I thought it was all over for us before it began but then one night, at youth club, I turn around and she’s right beside me. ‘Billy,’ she says, ‘do you laugh when you’re nervous?’ and just like that I knew I’d been right about her all along. Perfect, she was. Perfect.
She’s with the angels now, left me fifteen years ago. Been biding my time ever since.
We never had kids. Don’t know why. You didn’t, in those days, you just went to church and prayed or listened to superstitions about taking cold showers before bed, or going to the Cerne Abbass Giant and sitting on his…whatsit. Muriel didn’t want to do that.
So it was me and her, just trundling along. Lots of love, lots of happy memories. Then of course, the cancer got her. The Doctor told us, he says, ‘Muriel, I’m sorry to say that it’s terminal cancer,’ and I…well, you know. I was laughing so hard I could hardly breathe and he were furious with me. Muriel was trying to explain. She shouldn’t have had to. (He gets tearful.) Not just then. I should have been looking after her, she must have been scared to death, and she couldn’t just have her own feelings. She had to explain about my stupid brain. (He bangs on the top of his head, angrily.) I was useless to her.
He collects himself, after a minute or two.
I laughed a lot, after she died.
Now it’s my turn. The doctor used a lot of long words to say that I’m going to be dead soon. I’ve just got to bide my time.
You’d think I’d be laughing, wouldn’t you? But I’m not. I’m not.
He pauses, and says softly.
Muriel’s waiting.
FADE OUT:
Feedback: Average score: 198 (40%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: The way you managed to convey the dialect was very skilful.
- Favourite sentence: 'Lampposts and dog mess bins' describes council work perfectly!
- Feedback: Dramatic monologues are notoriously difficult to write and although I think this is a valiant effort, it still, for me, comes across as just a third person story told in first person. The best dramatic monologues (Browning's 'Andrea Del Sarto' or something) always play with your expectations. You think you've got the character sussed and then they reveal something, not overtly, that makes you question their honesty, or morality, or even their sanity. Your story doesn't have that element.
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: I actually liked the ending - it was very sweet.
- Favourite sentence: Oh, and in case you were wondering, I don’t scream in terror at funny things. You won’t catch me quivering whenever there’s a sitcom on the telly
- Feedback: I liked the idea behind this and the way it drew to a very lovely conclusion - although I'm not sure it entirely met the response to the title, and the way in which it attempted to do so appeared a bit forced. That it's been set up like a TV monologue seems like a means to an end to try and mould the story into the description of a comedy of errors, which is often in a play-format. This would have worked better had it either remained as a stand alone story, or if it hadn't been presented as a monologue but actually as a play and written like a script. As it is, I feel a little of the originality has been lost. But it was well written and quite heartwarming.
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