I Believe In
Entry by: ElferLeather
1st April 2016
I Believe In
My Dad told me to do as the man in the blue shirt asked and write everything down even though I told him that I don't like blue because the man wore blue. My Dad cuddled me and pulled me close and kissed my forehead told me he loved me and said it would "be fine", but I didn't believe him. They weren't going to catch the man; my description of him wasn't very good. It's hard to see through teary eyes. He looked like an image through one of those telescopic twisty toys that my Grandad used to show me. I tried my best to explain the entire night in as much detail as possible, but my statement was vague because my memories are vague. That's apparently normal because that's exactly what he'd wanted to happen, I think that's what the nice lady said when I told her. My Dad just went silent when I told him and he seemed angry, but not at me. I've never seen him like that before. When he'd calmed down he told me I needed to tell somebody else.
The nice lady wore a suit like a lawyer, but her hair wasn't that tightly tied up that her nose was closer to her forehead. That's how my Dad used to describe those ponytails. I've got a ponytail, blonde and really long, it goes all the way down to my bum. That was the first thing he said to me, he said that he liked my hair and tried to touch it. I didn't let him, but he kept trying. I could smell really strong deodorant, it seemed freshly put on, it was at the back of my throat like my Mum's hairspray in a morning. He was a lot older than me, I don't even know who invited him to the party, because he wasn't with anybody when I got there. Eventually, I let him touch it once because he said that "if he could he would leave me alone." Before he walked away, he gave me a drink. I didn't really want it. I'd already had the three drinks my mum lets me have at Sophia's parties, but he was watching me and making the drink gesture with his hands, waiting for me to drink it. I did. I took a small sip and nearly instantly vomited. It tasted vile, I've done shots of things, but this was worse. I wish I had vomited now, I heard the doctor say to Dad that it would've helped to "lessen the effect of the drug". I don't know what the drug is called, but apparently lots of girls have tasted it and the same thing has happened to them. I have meetings planned in two weeks with similar people to talk about it. I hope I meet new friends. I really need friends right now. Sophia blamed me and said really mean things. I didn't want any of it to happen, I promise it wasn't my fault. Please believe me.
After the drink I can't remember much. I looked at my phone and I couldn't figure out whether it was spinning or if it was me. I started walking to leave and go home; I don't live far from Sophia's and I thought I could walk it, but before I got to the door, all I remember was having an arm looped round my shoulders to help me walk up stairs. I don't know how far I'd actually got to leaving. He had his eyes on me from the second I walked in and It was definitely him with his arm round me. I could smell his deodorant. I don't really want to explain about what happened next because it will be the second time today I'd have written it down and I don't want to cry again. I may tell you tomorrow or after my first meeting. All I will tell you for now is that after what happened I believe in monsters.
My Dad told me to do as the man in the blue shirt asked and write everything down even though I told him that I don't like blue because the man wore blue. My Dad cuddled me and pulled me close and kissed my forehead told me he loved me and said it would "be fine", but I didn't believe him. They weren't going to catch the man; my description of him wasn't very good. It's hard to see through teary eyes. He looked like an image through one of those telescopic twisty toys that my Grandad used to show me. I tried my best to explain the entire night in as much detail as possible, but my statement was vague because my memories are vague. That's apparently normal because that's exactly what he'd wanted to happen, I think that's what the nice lady said when I told her. My Dad just went silent when I told him and he seemed angry, but not at me. I've never seen him like that before. When he'd calmed down he told me I needed to tell somebody else.
The nice lady wore a suit like a lawyer, but her hair wasn't that tightly tied up that her nose was closer to her forehead. That's how my Dad used to describe those ponytails. I've got a ponytail, blonde and really long, it goes all the way down to my bum. That was the first thing he said to me, he said that he liked my hair and tried to touch it. I didn't let him, but he kept trying. I could smell really strong deodorant, it seemed freshly put on, it was at the back of my throat like my Mum's hairspray in a morning. He was a lot older than me, I don't even know who invited him to the party, because he wasn't with anybody when I got there. Eventually, I let him touch it once because he said that "if he could he would leave me alone." Before he walked away, he gave me a drink. I didn't really want it. I'd already had the three drinks my mum lets me have at Sophia's parties, but he was watching me and making the drink gesture with his hands, waiting for me to drink it. I did. I took a small sip and nearly instantly vomited. It tasted vile, I've done shots of things, but this was worse. I wish I had vomited now, I heard the doctor say to Dad that it would've helped to "lessen the effect of the drug". I don't know what the drug is called, but apparently lots of girls have tasted it and the same thing has happened to them. I have meetings planned in two weeks with similar people to talk about it. I hope I meet new friends. I really need friends right now. Sophia blamed me and said really mean things. I didn't want any of it to happen, I promise it wasn't my fault. Please believe me.
After the drink I can't remember much. I looked at my phone and I couldn't figure out whether it was spinning or if it was me. I started walking to leave and go home; I don't live far from Sophia's and I thought I could walk it, but before I got to the door, all I remember was having an arm looped round my shoulders to help me walk up stairs. I don't know how far I'd actually got to leaving. He had his eyes on me from the second I walked in and It was definitely him with his arm round me. I could smell his deodorant. I don't really want to explain about what happened next because it will be the second time today I'd have written it down and I don't want to cry again. I may tell you tomorrow or after my first meeting. All I will tell you for now is that after what happened I believe in monsters.
Feedback: Average score: 290 (58%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: I found this peice really touching to the point I believe that it could be a true story that has happened to the writer. Or alternatively a greatly written peice.
- Favourite sentence: I really need friends right now.
- Feedback: The style of this peice really fits the purpose and I really empathised with the protagonist.
It ends in a sort of clif-hanger, which adds to its gripping qaulity. Its a very good peice!
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: You have an articulate, readable style.
- Favourite sentence: All I remember was having an arm looped round my shoulders to help me walk up stairs.
- Feedback: This is a difficult type of tale to pull off. Well done for having a go, it has some promising basics in situ, but to me it does lack an element of surprise, an authentic feel (though the overuse of deodorant was a nice touch) and maybe relies too much on tell rather than show. I think to really reinforce the big bad wolf concept the tale might have been more effective if you had caught the reader unawares, perhaps by distracting us with other characters and events (as there would be at a party) and springing the date rape as a twist at the end.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: The language fits the narrators voice throughout, a certain youthfulness. I also like its subtlety, we know where it's going, we know what's happened but it doesn't go into unnecessary detail.
- Favourite sentence: "I could smell really strong deodorant, it seemed freshly put on, it was at the back of my throat like my Mum's hairspray in a morning." - excellent description.
- Feedback: An interesting way to turn around the prompt. I find you stay in character throughout the piece which isn't easy. There's just the line about the ponytail that doesn't read quite right - read it again and see. I think it's an excellent way to lead into what she's going to tell us and is strong characterization I just had to read it several times which makes me think you could write it better. Really well written piece.
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