Survive The Jungle

Entry by: Briergate

13th May 2016

Today, black-clad conspirators
hurl barbed comments, hit cement
The Stepfords jog out salsas
against the wind's lament
and quietly, some mothers sigh
to see their children grow
with collective pride which permeates
this urban jungle show.

Kids, like monkeys, outperform
In ever-rising cries
Women with sunglasses shade
Their ageing, tired eyes.
A solitary father stands,
subsumed by oestrogen,
we line up prehistorically,
The bell shrills out and then,
The children file in two by two,
Like animals to the ark
the mothers join their cliques,
take their babies to the park.

The school playground stills,
all arms bereft of maternal gain
keep low, keep low, this ritual starts
On Monday, once again.

The voice within (the honest one)
may question why we shy
from criticisms, indecision,
the logic reasoning - why?
We grew up in these playgrounds,
thickened skins from veiled taunts
and still, and with great impact
each unsaid jibe still taunts.

We cannot play in castles
nor fling mud, nor clamber trees
so why then still, does playground shill
bring you down upon your knees?

A mother now, I'm forty,
With my days of gingham past.
And yet, the stench of bullying,
has sadly, never passed.

My daughter, I will shield you
From all I can prevent,
with the contemptible army
of justice's loud lament,
but this place I drop you, daily
is a seething mass of grey
and I'm sorry, little girl,
For the debris in which you play.

I'll hold you when you come home,
crying from your hateful day.

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: Really liked the picture painted in this poem as it's one that every mother of school age children can relate to.
Favourite sentence: The Stepfords jog out salsas
against the wind's lament
Feedback: I don't really know a lot about the form of poetry. I simply enjoyed reading this, liked the rhythm as I read it. It conjured a strong picture. The poem becomes more sentimental towards the end.

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: There were some beautiful and clever expressions throughout the poem. I loved 'A solitary father stands,
subsumed by oestrogen, '
Favourite sentence: The Stepfords jog out salsas
against the wind's lament
Feedback: This is a great poem. It's full of fantastic metaphors and humour. Well done! The ending is a bit pessimistic. Does it have to end on a low note?

Marker 3

What I liked about this piece: Very evocative piece of writing that gets its message across fluently and memorably.
Favourite sentence: A mother now, I'm forty,
With my days of gingham past.
Feedback: A moving piece of writing with some memorable lines. This poem draws pictures in the reader's minds and is definitely worth working on. A little hard to believe that this was written in an hour but very good nonetheless.