The Pecking Order
Entry by: Briergate
1st June 2016
Every day, we tread the same routine
‘How was your day?’ and sigh, and cast off work
And is the drudge less vicious, when unseen?
The rat race shadows lessened, when we shirk?
A lifetime now, we’ve railed against the path
Of money, spend, no money, spend and spend.
The debt mounts up, at times we even laugh
(Will our mountain mortgage mill stone ever end?)
And in the office, twenty years have passed
You duly check in, do your daily grind
You call me to discuss the darkness cast
The way they always leave you undermined.
I wish, so fervently, a different world
Where cash was not contingent on abeyance
Where all your quiet genius unfurled
And promotion not depend upon this séance.
Of death creating openings to fill
The vile step up of management to show
that desperation to pay every bill
creates a ruthless, vengeful, cunning low.
This pecking order, then, has a honed beak
It breeds a devious appetite to destroy
And as you wield the dagger, this I’ll seek:
You’ll murder corporate men, not inner boy.
Perhaps one day our Western world will turn
And true talent will revolve its own reward
I guess until that day, we work, and learn,
that life requests a trade, we ill-afford.
‘How was your day?’ and sigh, and cast off work
And is the drudge less vicious, when unseen?
The rat race shadows lessened, when we shirk?
A lifetime now, we’ve railed against the path
Of money, spend, no money, spend and spend.
The debt mounts up, at times we even laugh
(Will our mountain mortgage mill stone ever end?)
And in the office, twenty years have passed
You duly check in, do your daily grind
You call me to discuss the darkness cast
The way they always leave you undermined.
I wish, so fervently, a different world
Where cash was not contingent on abeyance
Where all your quiet genius unfurled
And promotion not depend upon this séance.
Of death creating openings to fill
The vile step up of management to show
that desperation to pay every bill
creates a ruthless, vengeful, cunning low.
This pecking order, then, has a honed beak
It breeds a devious appetite to destroy
And as you wield the dagger, this I’ll seek:
You’ll murder corporate men, not inner boy.
Perhaps one day our Western world will turn
And true talent will revolve its own reward
I guess until that day, we work, and learn,
that life requests a trade, we ill-afford.
Feedback: Average score: 303 (61%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: I understood it at first reading. Good use of language and the penultimate verse was superb.
- Favourite sentence: This pecking order, then, has a honed beak
It breeds a devious appetite to destroy
And as you wield the dagger, this I’ll seek:
You’ll murder corporate men, not inner boy. - Feedback: best piece I've read on the site for a few weeks. Well done. I'm no poet so can't suggest any ways to improve it. I did wonder about 'seance' but apart from that really enjoyed your work.
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: Some good imagery used to convey interesting ideas.
- Favourite sentence: This pecking order, then, has a honed beak
- Feedback: The rhythm and rhyme feel a little laboured at times, but there are some lovely turns of phrase.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: Interesting vocabulary
- Favourite sentence: This pecking order, then, has a honed beak
It breeds a devious appetite to destroy - Feedback: This is a nice poem, though sad and a bit depressing. Structure-wise I would consider having similar numbers of syllables in verses as it doesn't read easily. Also it's a good idea to start the line with the most important word to make the poem stronger. Well done.
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