From A Distance

A girl called out my name and on this street outside this shoe store in that first moment the voice was someone else. Just for a breath but enough to jump-start the heart and do god-knows what to my face before it wrinkled for a beat in disappointment at the sight of Erin.
I didn’t have time to hope she hadn’t noticed. She looked beaten and asked, ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Hi, what do you mean?’ I said. Instinctively I chose pretending she was crazy over a truth that would make her feel that way needlessly.
‘You just looked annoyed to see me, what’s up?’
‘Ha, I’m very glad to see you, come here’.
I pulled her towards me and kissed her. She didn’t seem eager to fight it out so I seized the opportunity and tugged at her hand, leading her away from the thoroughfare and up a side street toward the first viewing.
It was a third-floor, two-bed apartment that I’d walked past oblivious hundreds of times, on the short route from where I had lived to the train. We stood at the street-level communal door and looked up at the whitewashed facade, waiting for the estate agent.
I asked Erin about her day then looked over her shoulder and up the street as she answered, watching a younger and happier me on his way from work, walking hand in hand with his girl.
The agent arrived in a mess of keys and took us inside. The space was tight and I made for the window for air, looking from the master bedroom onto the trees lining the street outside.
‘I like it, it’s nice,’ said Erin.
‘It’s a little small isn’t it?’ I said. ‘We, my old flat was the same price and a lot bigger than this’.
‘Maybe yeah, well we’re just trying to get an idea aren’t we, it’s only the first one. And you know, prices change,’ she said.
The agent made noises of agreement as I shuffled for the exit, and the two of them followed me back out of the block. We had two more to see.
Minutes later we were on route, picture-framed in the windows of a brightly-branded agency vehicle. The second stop was a few minutes drive, ten in the after-work traffic, in the corner of the suburb that had given way to cafes and a rotation of restaurants.
I knew the block, art-deco and beautiful and in spitting distance of the drinking and dining. I’d had countless conversations about living there. We parked and rounded the corner past a coffee shop. A waitress looked up from an outdoor table she was wiping, saw me and smiled.
‘They know you here?’ Erin asked as we crossed the street to the flats.
‘I guess, I’ve been there a few times,’ I said.
‘Selling point!’
‘Sure’.
Inside the apartment, she was smitten. The interior was fresh and well-finished and in lived up to the design of the building. The space was good. I was sure I could hear the railway from the kitchen.
‘What do you think?’ She said.
‘It’s nice. Kind of noisy. I’m not sure we should stretch the budget this far unless it’s perfect. Do you think it’s perfect? I’m not sure really,’ I said.
‘Maybe not perfect, I guess’.
‘Still one to go’.
We opted to walk the few blocks to the final viewing and save the pain of parking. Or, I was outvoted and we walked. From the car I knew I wouldn’t have been able to linger as we passed my old place, just moments from the address I knew Erin had her hopes on.
It loomed in the distance, tall and green and pulsating as it grew closer. I fell back a few steps as the three of us began to pass under it. Looking up at the balcony and double doors, wide open so the new tenants could enjoy the city evening, I steadied myself, sucking in air and preparing for my heart to seize up with longing.
But it kept beating, and I kept breathing, and the building retreated. I fixed on it over my shoulder as we kept on. Imagined leaving someone behind there. Turned forward, sad, and skipped to catch up.
Climbing the stairs to the final viewing, Erin held a hand back toward me, without a look. I took it and let her gently pull me up the two flights. Inside she was relaxed and businesslike.
‘OK, it’s got the space. The finish is great for this price. It’s got everything we need nearby,’ She said.
Still holding my hand, she tugged me across plush carpet to a bay window, extending the living room out into the world. ‘But what do you think, honestly?’ She said.
I felt myself smile, moved in closer to her and stole a kiss. ‘You know what? I’m not sure about this neighbourhood.’