Playing The Field

Playing the field

Moss has gathered around the crooked doorway. The grey of the skies is in a strange contrast with the bright and rusting gate. It makes the entrance look slightly desolate, the unrelenting rain is falling fiercely while breaking shards of my dreams and desires.

A narrow stairway leads to my room; where I sit. My bed is covered in clean white sheets and the walls have posters and photographs from a happier time, a time when he lived. He, the only man I loved was taken from me and now all that remains are these walls, plastered with priceless memories. While life scathingly passes through me I sit here unapologetic, undone and amusingly abstract. I don't think so much these days, there are no thoughts to gather, feelings that have been ignored by me hang in the many corners of this house .

I play with my mascara, thick eyelashes help me hide the depth that my eyes may give away, the red of my lipstick will only distract the one wanting to look into my eyes.

These days I dread looking at them, they never deceive ...
Smoky eye make-up after the mascara to camouflage my cares for this world... my make-up seems like an act to hide the hideousness that my soul has become.

I strap my heals and stand to look at my reflection. Perfect!

At the club, my eyes find Roger and we go straight to the bar and gulp down two shots of tequila; his hand lingering from the small of my waist to my backside...his body brushing against mine.. "You will know my body... but will you stir my soul" I think.. And laugh a careless laughter. I've had a fling with him in the past, the attraction never escalated to anything beyond. He looks at me slightly bemused, probably wondering how drunk I am! He doesn't know even after all these months that alcohol has no effect on me; nothing can numb me. I'm wearing my scars, my wounds are open only if someone would notice ... but who would...I think

Roger walks over to Priyanka and they are dancing. I look at my reflection in my wine glass, seeing me alone at the bar Daniel walks over and asks for me a dance. I oblige, thinking they are all the same; alright then one dance ... what will you get? the pleasure of touching my body.. I am not my body, I am detached from it... As I see myself enjoying that thought he is whispering something... he wants to go out for a walk; I smile and decline, I am not my usual self today, I am unable to carry on my usual flirting without strings attached routine.

I go over to the bar to have another glass of chilled white wine. That's when my eyes find him...

STOP! says my mind and my heart doesn't feel dead anymore.

Questions fire up in my head! Who are you? where have you come from? I wonder. Kindred among the savages, he smiles at me before he places his order for a large scotch on the rocks. I notice his clean manicured hands, how would it feel to be touched by them. Damn! What am I thinking, I should stop, the music feels like it will blast the ceiling, but will it shatter my soul? Thoughts are disrupting my routine today, I sigh. My eyes move from his shoes to his classy minimalist attire and finally at his eyes, they speak a language I have long forgotten...

"Hi.. I am Siddharth and you"? he asks...

I smile, "Reeham" I say

"what an unusual name .. what does it mean?"

" It means light rain... meaningless soul-less and mindless" I laugh...

He stops and stares at me for a moment...

"It must be difficult", he says

"What must be difficult", "Living up to my name".. "Nah, its quite easy" I quip

He smiles a rueful smile ...

Takes my hand and guides me away from the loud music...

"Hiding your beautiful soul deliberately behind all this ... he makes a gesture at my heavy make-up . That must be difficult" , he says quite confident in his statement

I look at him ...

Those eyes... I cannot run from them, sooner or later they will find me and even if they don't, they will haunt me.

I make an effort to hide my tear strained face, he takes out a handkerchief and starts to dab on my face; cupping my left cheek in his right palm all the while...

"What do you know about souls" I ask him ... my voice is a little shaken

He looks at me like a parent would look at an errant child and I notice his disheveled hair graying at the temples.. like streaks of silver wisdom...

"I don't, perhaps" he answers looking at the ground..

"What are you doing here" he asks... after a pause, he continues "You don't belong here"

"You seem to know more than you should", I say, my tone is bordering on accusing him.

I am exhausted with myself I want this unfamiliar cloud to burst. It's strangeness may well shatter me but at-least I'll be dealing with myself for once and not with scattered fragments of someone I am not...

He sees me lost in thought and withdraws his hand that was cupping my cheek. Kisses me on the forehead ...

"It's a play", I say ... "The more you are able to take(the pain) the better you get"
I smile, I feel sad ... is this what I've become I think as we walk towards a lamp-post ... not making an effort to shield ourselves from the pouring rain...

So well.. I continue " I call it.. playing the field... men I meet are co-players... they have my body but my heart and soul will never belong to anyone."

There ... I've barred it all, now what are you going to do, I think. It is unnerving to have known so many and yet not understood by any-one of them. And WHAM! a stranger from la-la land arrives and thinks he knows my soul. This is my game, I won't lose it.

He looks pensive and stops at the lamp-post, then takes out his coat and wraps it around me standing there leaning sideways on the post... his eyes no longer look searchingly at me...

"Why is he doing this", I am melting... "What do I need to hold back for", My heart has come alive and it is intervening... "This is trouble"...

He holds my hand and draws me close... I am ashamed of myself and everything I've revealed to this random stranger. He is sniffing at my hair.. I blush... and his eyes are teary... he says "you don't have to..."

"I know"... I think...

A thousand emotions rush in.. A million moments are lost and found. He pulls me closer and kisses me on the mouth, gentle at first and then deep, losing himself. I am lost too! The games have disappeared the plays are undone... the field, perhaps never existed!