Beauty From Ashes
Entry by: Sirona
14th October 2016
Wearing his funeral suit,
his only one,
dead black,
save for a smear of her ashes
wind blown into the weave
as he scattered her to the shrubs,
he looks down
on the harvest displays,
uncanny this year,
like everything,
missing her touch,
and tries to be grateful
for The Lord's bounty,
but all he can feel is
what God has taken.
He cannot linger among the memories,
the sympathy,
the lack of her.
Seeking solace in the windy park
with fallen leaves
teardrop misted air.
Past the pond, by the swings,
too quiet in this October light.
He comes to
the scattering place
and there, an unexpected
pink burgeoning of
camellias
like the winter bouquet she clutched
as they promised
'til death us do part.
He would tell her of it,
but she is beyond hearing.
Still, he's somehow sure
she sees.
A subtle shift in his grieving foundations,
reminds him
there is beauty
there is hope.
his only one,
dead black,
save for a smear of her ashes
wind blown into the weave
as he scattered her to the shrubs,
he looks down
on the harvest displays,
uncanny this year,
like everything,
missing her touch,
and tries to be grateful
for The Lord's bounty,
but all he can feel is
what God has taken.
He cannot linger among the memories,
the sympathy,
the lack of her.
Seeking solace in the windy park
with fallen leaves
teardrop misted air.
Past the pond, by the swings,
too quiet in this October light.
He comes to
the scattering place
and there, an unexpected
pink burgeoning of
camellias
like the winter bouquet she clutched
as they promised
'til death us do part.
He would tell her of it,
but she is beyond hearing.
Still, he's somehow sure
she sees.
A subtle shift in his grieving foundations,
reminds him
there is beauty
there is hope.
Feedback: Average score: 309 (62%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
- What I liked about this piece: So so sad, but with a lingering sense of hope...
- Favourite sentence: He would tell her of it,
but she is beyond hearing.
This line really touched me - the way that after somebody dies you turn to tell them, and find them not there.... - Feedback: This was beautiful... reminds me to live life because it's all too easy to take for granted what we have and not treasure it... the idea of her ashes blown into the weave was poignant and beautiful. Lots of good lines in here, from 'dead black' to 'too quiet' to
Marker 2
- What I liked about this piece: nicely evocative
- Favourite sentence: save for a smear of her ashes
wind blown into the weave - Feedback: Lovely poem, well expressed, you really capture his sense of loss. Sorry about the low score on originality, tough subject to write something new on, particularly in poetry, really liked it, well done.
Marker 3
- What I liked about this piece: I like the structure of the poem, how it lies across the page. The sparse, bare-bones nature of it reflects the desolate air of the content.
- Favourite sentence: Seeking solace in the windy park
with fallen leaves - Feedback: I think it's a very literal response to the title, but maybe a little trite?
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