Letter From America

Letter from America
(1990, never written, never posted)

My darling

You didn't reply to me when I sent you those flowers for your birthday. Didn't you like them? I asked the florist to give instructions for the biggest flowers, bright colours, dramatic shapes, all the things I know you like. I wanted them to take over your room. Like triffids. Did they mess up?

And the necklace- didn't it suit you? You always said you loved turquoise, so when I visited that reservation (what a really odd place- I'm not sure you'd like it- you'd say they're being exploited- you'd kick up fuss- I know it!) with some friends here, I knew you'd adore the colour. It's so you.

You're such a long way away, me here in New Haven, you in York. And it could have been New York..... and I can't get to talk to you. The phone line is so bad. And this letter will take a few days to get to you. I only wish that there was a quicker way to communicate with you. Maybe one day there will be. But right now all we have is the phone and my scribble. Oh, and my typing, but I know you don't like that. You say it's too impersonal.... You are so sensitive about these things, aren't you?

I still don't understand why you said you wouldn't come. I could care for you, I could manage financially. Look, I got a massive scholarship- they really wanted me to be here, I could have wangled it, maybe I could even have got you on a course, or some small scale research or something. I know you'd have loved it. I know you better than anyone, I am sure it would have worked out. I can still get something sorted for you. All I have to do is speak to the head of faculty and they'll make it happen. It's great working somewhere where people really respect me, and my opinions. You'd love it too.

But you said you wouldn't come. That you wouldn't up sticks and that you wouldn't do it for me. That the fact you're getting a bursary and your fees paid means you have your future in the UK, in England. How can you want to limit yourself like that? Sometimes, I just wonder if I understand you at all....

Does that mean that you didn't really love me? Does that mean that this is all doomed to failure? Is that why you haven't replied?

So you wanted to be a lawyer. You could have done that here. You'd make a great American lawyer- you're confident and brash and all those things I'm not. You'd floor anyone in court. I know you would. I can see it now.

So you could have had it all here, and we'd make a great team. But you said you wouldn't.

I still don't get it.

Darling, please reply. I really need to know what's going on in that crazy, feisty head of yours. I need to understand you. I need to know I've doing the right thing, that you're listening to me.

All my love

Jon