The Comfort Zone

The Comfort Zone


Dear Grandma,

It feels like it has been a life time since I last wrote to you. I'm sorry about that.
I have always looked upon my letters to you as a conversation between us. I write them, and even as I am writing I imagine what you would be saying in response. Even though the response is in my head, I still find it to be most comforting. It is like having you here with me once again. For the briefest amounts of time while I am writing I feel like you are sat right next to me. I can hear your laugh and see your smile. I can smell your Lavender bubble bath and feel your arms around me.
For the years that you have been gone, this has been my comfort. My time spent writing to you has been my safe place. When you were alive you were always there in my time of need, you were the mother I always wished I had.
I've found it so hard to cope without you here to guide me. You were always the voice of reason, you knew just what to say to inspire and motivate me. I did nothing without your approval.
I think I spent the longest time in stasis, never moving forward because you couldn't tell me it was okay to. I have been lost. I have been numb. People have always said that grief affects everybody differently. I think my problem is that I have never truly grieved for you because I have never truly let myself think that you are gone. For if you are gone then I am alone.
I think perhaps it is time that I change that. I met the most incredible man Grandma. I think you would of loved him too. He is kind and caring, funny and loving. He can cook! That's probably the most important part; I am sure you'll never forget the time I tried to boil beans in a pan of water!
We're getting married. It was hard for me to say yes, knowing that you won't be here to help me pick a dress and plan my day. Knowing that you never got to pass judgement and tell me you approve. But I know, inside, that you would approve. He's a real gentleman. He looks after me, cares for me. He tells me he has never been so happy before and I do believe him, soppy as that makes me sound!
I cannot begin to describe how he makes me feel Grandma. Safe. Loved. Whole. When he wraps his arms around me and tells me how much I mean to him I feel so warm and secure. It is like the feeling of a warm bath, full of bubbles and surrounded by candles, reading your favourite book. That feeling of utter peace in that first moment of submersion.
I will always love you Grandma, and miss you more than I can bare. I will weep on my wedding day because you aren't there to love me. I will still cry on your Birthday and remember our awful cake decorating. I will still feel an emptiness and a panic each time I have to make a new decision without your advice. But I can move forward now - with a strong and stable love by my side. I hope that you will be proud of me. I cannot wait for the day that I am a Grandmother too and can be what you were to me to my own little grandchild. I think it will be the most magical feeling of all.
I can grieve for you now, let you rest in peace and look fondly on our memories. I have a real, live comfort now. My fiancé. My comfort zone.

I love you always
Your Clara Jane.