Truth To Power

It was A-Level results day when Katy told her father. She should have told him sooner, but up until then she had stacked her heavy hopes on to the feeble chance that she would fail her exams and the problem would go away.

In the school auditorium, she was surrounded by classmates opening their results, their faces white and their hands quivering. She grasped her white envelope and her own hands shook with a different type of nervousness.

The four "A's", stood in a perfect line on the paper, like a row of elegant swans. She had worked for two years in pursuit of those four little symbols, believing them to be the bridge to the next stage of her life. Now they spelt out a future she couldn't have.

"My clever girl!" her father cried, when she walked out of the auditorium and handed the results sheet to him. "I knew you could do it!"

He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly for a few moments. When he drew away, his eyes were slick with tears. "I wish your mother were here. She would have been so proud of you."

His words punched her with guilt. How was she going to tell him?

On the drive home, he bubbled with happiness. He was usually a quiet man, who considered each word he spoke as though he had a quota, but today his words tumbled out excitedly.

"You're going to have the most fantastic time at Oxford," he told her, his face flushed."Who would have thought you'd be following in your old man's footsteps! Another maths scholar in the family!"

Katy stared out of the window at the familiar country roads. After a grey morning, the sun was butting through the clouds and sprinkling the fields with light, keen to join her father in his celebration.

"You'll be walking the same halls that your mother and I used to walk. Sitting in the same lecture theatres. There might even be some of the same lecturers!"

She glanced across at him, his eyes dancing as they always did when he talked about his beloved Oxford. For him, Oxford shone like a holy shrine on the map of his past. His three golden years that cast a shadow over the other fifty-eight.

"Wait til I tell the gang!" he said, reaching over to squeeze her knee. "You'll be the first one of the next generation to go to Oxford. They'll be so excited!"

Katy thought of her parents' university friends, the "aunties" and "uncles" who had populated every Christmas and birthday party she could remember. A bunch of mis-fits whose discomfort in society was like an ill-fitting shoe. A group of lone wolves, baffled by the general population, who had banded together to form a pack.

"You'll make life-long friends, just like your mother and me," her father said. "Oh, I'm jealous Katy. I wish I could do it all again."

He allowed nostalgia to swaddle him for a few moments, staring dreamily ahead. Katy could almost see the re-runs of memories playing in his mind on a rose-tinted screen. He looked happier than he had in months. She hated that she was going to trample across that happiness.

He shook his head and laughed. "I'll just have to live it all again through you."

Katy tried to smile at him, but guilt pushed down the corners of her mouth.

Her father continued to chatter all the way home, re-telling Katy the same university stories that had formed the backdrop to her childhood. Trinity college dinners dressed in floating black robes, study club in the common room, lively discussions with lecturers in the library. Katy barely listened.

Her father pulled the car into their driveway and drew to a stop in front the semi-detached house that Katy had lived in her whole life. He whistled to himself as he switched the engine off and gathered up his jacket. As he put his hand on the door handle, Katy knew she had to do it now, while they were still in the cocoon of the car, before his unfounded happiness could spread any further.

"Dad, wait," she said.

He turned back to face her, a smile still bouncing around his face. "Yes, love?"

Katy breathed heavily, the weight of the words bruising her tongue. "Dad, I can't go to Oxford."

He frowned slightly. "What do you mean?"

"I can't go to Oxford," she repeated. "In fact, I can't go to any university. Oh Dad, I'm so sorry, I've wanted to tell you the truth for so long, but I was so scared of disappointing you..."

Meaningless words frothed over the one sentence she couldn't force herself to say. Her babbling saturated the air between them with confusion and her father stared at her, a puzzle of concern scattered across his forehead.

"Katy, Katy," he said. "What do you need to tell me? Just say it. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad."

Katy breathed in deeply and forced the words out of her mouth. "I'm pregnant."

Her father was a kind man, calm and measured. She knew he wouldn't be angry. But in the seconds before he caught his feelings by the reins, when raw emotion lay bare in his eyes, Katy saw his disappointment. A life unlived, bright with hope, flashed across his face and then died like a flame.