I Spy With...

Entry by: Briergate

23rd March 2017

When you looked the other way. A sonnet.

You called me once or twice, and did you feel?
The fluid, running stream, the stormless port
the friendship flowed; revolved; a water wheel
(the fully infinite, which we had sought).
We swam against the tide; two floating souls
I grew soft gills, I breathed beneath, and gasped
for we were new, yet our connection told
of lives evolving; new forms from the past.
And so, emboldened, I echoed your call
drowning, then, I reached to grasp your hand
you turned away; the waters surged; the fall,
beneath the waves, I watched you bloom on land.
So this is friendship; surfaces are breached.
The lungs collapse; fresh air cannot be reached.

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: A very evocative poem, that flows well in its own smooth rhythm.
Favourite sentence: So this is friendship; surfaces are breached.
The lungs collapse; fresh air cannot be reached.
Feedback: A good piece that has a lot to say for itself. One question, which I know you cannot answer, but I`ll ask anyway. Why is the fourth line in brackets?

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: The sonnet flows very well with vivid watery imagery. Lovely levels of sinking and rising creating a good rhythm. End couplet is particularly pleasing to read and very thought provoking.
Favourite sentence: We swam against the tide; two floating souls
Feedback: The opening question is enticing and sucks reader in to aqueous world of the sonnet. The doom laden dramatics are redolent of some great old poets and the theatrical style would work well as a performance piece!

Marker 3

What I liked about this piece: I liked the use of language and the rhming scheme
Favourite sentence: We swam against the tide: two floating souls
Feedback: Lovely sonnet, very well exectued.