Out Of Exile

Entry by: Tauren

28th April 2017

Out of exile comes
maturity
Independence,
Self-sufficiency
â€¦â€¦Or oblivion

â€œWhy, why, why, Delilah,â€
Tom Jones is rattling around my brain

You set me free
Cut me loose
But I wasnâ€™t ready
Did not want to go
I told you this
But would you listen?

Out of exile comes
maturity?
Independence?
Self-sufficiency?
Oblivionâ€¦â€¦

The blades edge drips black
It should be crimson
Thatâ€™s the moon`s fault
It`s cold and lifeless as your heart

â€œWhy, why, why, Janice?â€
I`ll not wait for them to break down the doorâ€¦â€¦.

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: Short snappy lines
Favourite sentence: Why why why delilah
Tom jones rattling around my brain
Feedback: Different take on title. Your short concise sentences add to tension.

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: I really want to like this poem, the ideas have such potential....
Favourite sentence: Tom Jones is rattling around my brain
Feedback: ....but I don't think they are developed in a way that take the poem anywhere. I certainly see no need to repeat the stanza. Sketchy, but could be developed into a wonderful poem full of imagery.

Marker 3

What I liked about this piece: Double reference to Delilah
Favourite sentence: Final line
Feedback: Slightly confused about the blades edge drips black but I did like the song reference and asking why?