Lovers Never Lose

Entry by: Tauren

29th June 2017

I grip the receiver ever tighter
pressing it firmly to my ear
The better to hear your telephone voice
It`s melodic falsetto lilt is so.... Un-you

We exchange the comfortable Banalities of the perpetually en-spoused
Who have said all the things of import there are to say aeons ago
So all that`s left is the inconsequentially vital daily minutiae
The children: the grandchildren...
Who said and did what to whom.

I picture your face
Every well earned line and crease
Rendered invisible more perfectly by familiar intimacy
Than any surgeons scalpel could possibly achieve
Til all that`s left is you.

I blurt,
"Say you love me?"
And then.
"Say you love me and I shall die,"
"But I shall die in an agony of ecstasy."
"Only say you love me?"
Love tolerates no ego, and I am unashamed to beg.

You Say Nothing!!!!!

An eternity stretches between us, delicious in its torment
You know me too well
Even now,
after all these years,
you are such a tease.

I hear the smile in your declaration
"Of course I love you, you old fool...."
And I die.
I die as I always do in that moment.....
In ecstasy.

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: It was very original, very unusual and it made me smile! Some lovely lines and words in there, something to like a lot in every verse.
Favourite sentence: The entire second verse.
Feedback: I really liked this - it amused me and I enjoyed reading it.

Couple of tiny errors with apostrophes, but that didn't spoil it for me.

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: I liked the gentleness and intimacy that emerges from what might be considered banal moments; the fine balance between certainty and uncertainty despite the passage of time is nicely caught here.
Favourite sentence: Every well earned line and crease
Rendered invisible more perfectly by familiar intimacy
Feedback: A little more development of the situation in the first half would have helped to round it out. The ending - specifically the response to the reply - seemed just a little bit rushed.

Marker 3

What I liked about this piece: It wasn't stating the obvious or cliched.
Favourite sentence: Love tolerates no ego, and I am unashamed to beg.
Feedback: I felt being on the telephone added too many questions - would be stronger face to face. Liked the ideas such as invisibility. Perhaps slightly over wordy.