I Should Have

Part of a Private Conversation

Sprung from the prompt of
I should have – it’s no answer
more a dog on a flock of questions,
nipping at my heels,
herding me towards a wall
I’ve never faced; a mirror image
it will crack me to see.

I’m talking to you
but you haven’t realised -
and neither had I -
I’m also talking to me.

What should I have done
about love like running through quicksand;
our culture of claws through cages;
my vacuumed voice; who owned
my body when I craved his worship.

2 in the morning,
a taxi driver, Waterloo Bridge,
Champagne but I think
I threw up, stopped it.
I think but all I have is preamble.
I’ve lost that night.

I should have told someone.

I should have been helped.

I should have known.