I Should Have

Entry by: galeL

12th January 2018
I should have - why do I always cut off my nose to spite my face! Its been a life long thing. I met him out sailing on the Adriatic, it was so romantic, my dream to have a lover miles from home, someone I didn't have to share my life with, just to be able to have lots of fun. He was married so I knew this would never be for ever, but good while it lasted. The problem was, I fell hook line and sinker. What a fool. Each year I would visit, this beautiful place, surrounded by mountains and the ocean. We would ride together on his motorbike, miles from civilisation and have good times. Laugh, mess around, it was always wonderful. I looked forward to each year and would visit more and more often. He would need to make more excuses as to why he was not home. I never felt bad because I had no desire to run away with him and he was really not happy being married, it wasn't her, it was him. He wanted to be free but coming from a small town, there was pressure to be married. There were children involved so we had to be careful. I started to get too close, I was afraid, I wanted to spend more time with him, not just the few stolen moments or the occasional few hours. I wanted to really get to know him.
We were going to meet in Rome, I had it all planned. He was supposed to be there but last minute decided that he couldn't make it. I was devastated. I still went, dreaming that he may show. I had an ok time but constantly thought of him. I then realised that I was expecting too much, but inside I was hurt and angry.
The next time I visited his home town I could still feel the hurt inside and I wanted to punish him. He called me in my hotel and I made a lame excuse, said I didn't feel well. He was cross, said he had made special arrangements so we could spend time. I couldn't let go of my pride. I told him I would contact him. I didn't. I should have.
After a while I tried to contact him and on endless journeys to his town I looked for him, one day I saw him in the distance. I was so sad, I couldn't approach him. For many years now I have travelled there, always with him in the back of my mind. If only I had not been so stubborn, who knows what may have happened. I should have seen him, I should have given him a chance.