Heaven On Earth

Galathor looked around, shaking his head sadly; the place was a shell of its former self. He could remember when it`d glittered like it was internally lit by a thousand suns, now the tarnish was already setting in and heaven wasn’t heaven anymore. God was earthbound and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

Earth wasn’t even supposed to have a mammal population. It`d been constructed by a small start-up called Raptorcorp, they`d billed it as the largest reptile Zoo in the Universe, filled it with all kinds of dinosaurs. It`d been very popular, species came from all over the Galaxy to visit, but then came the asteroid and wouldn’t you know it they didn’t have asteroid insurance, I mean who in their right mind doesn’t have asteroid insurance. Well they didn’t have the money to rebuild so the place was abandoned, and as everyone in the known Universe knows, if you leave a planet untended for long enough you get a mammal infestation, and where there are mammals there are God`s.

As UDP`s (Universal Deity promotions) agent for this end of the Milky Way he tried not to get emotionally attached to his clients, but Jay had been different, he`d been Galathor`s first God. He could remember when Jay was nothing more than a talking bush deity with a nervous habit of setting fire to himself as he spoke. It`d been Galathor`s idea to turn that into his shtick, claim he did it on purpose, but now it was all coming to an end. God`s need true believers and his had evolved, moved on, discovered the God of science, and without believers God`s lose their lustre.

Usually God`s retired to one of the rest homes, most of earth`s had gone to Kallor3, a nice place if sitting around talking about the glory days was your thing, apparently it wasn’t Jays.

He`d suggested making a few personal appearances, prove he really did exist, rebuild the brand, so to speak. It had fallen to Gallathor to point out the flaw in his plan.

“It`s all very well and good moving in mysterious ways,” he`d said, “but what`ll you say when they start asking about all the kid cancers and floods and earthquakes, millions of people dying every year. I`m telling you Jay I`ve seen it all before and it never ends well.”

This had convinced him, but he still didn’t want to go to a nursing home for the God`s, “I visited Zeus there once,” he`d said, shaking his head slowly, “And the way those nurses talked to him..”

So he was moving to earth, the problem was where. The obvious choice was back to where it all began, but it would`ve been kinder to just obliterate the planet and be done with it, that whole region was a basket case these days.

Shelly Cordell, who worked for Gods`R`Us, UDP`s principal completion in the region had piggy backed in on his original idea, setting up a God of her own, linking him to Jay, like they were one and the same but with minor differences. Talk about yer excreta meeting yer spinning blades, the whole place had turned into a tinder box.
Oh he`d filed a complaint with the Deities jurisdictional council, but those wheels turned slowly, 1400 years and counting, and now it was all over; by the time they`d ruled Jay would be a nothing but a historical footnote, it made him mad.

Choice number two had been Italy, but in Galathor`s experience the heads of a church never took kindly to their boss suddenly showing up after a few thousand years, and Deicide was always a messy business.

South America had the rainforests which he`d said would play havoc with his hair, North America was full of lunatics. Yes Canada was nice but freezing in the winter, and there was his arthritis to consider, which left out most of the northern hemisphere. The southern hemisphere had its own problems, India was already lousy with Gods, and the Chinese, well they had a strict no Deity policy, they`d have hunted him down in less than a week, and it made him shudder to think what they`d`ve done to him.

“Which leaves..” Galathor`s finger stabbed at Australia.

“Oh me no,” Jay had exclaimed, “Too many creepy crawlies.”

Galathor hadn’t been surprised to discover Jay was an arachnophobe, most people would be surprised at the number of hang-ups your average God had. The whole cloven hoof thing came about because a pig had dug him up one day when he was in the shape of a bush, he`d come this close to being eaten alive, just a picture of a pig could bring the old boy out in a cold sweat.

And that was how they`d settled on New Zealand, they bought him a couple of hundred acres on the side of a mountain, God`s, he knew were partial to mountains. Built him a nice house, all the amenities, a few of the angels staying behind to tend to him.

None of the Archangels of course, there was always a lot of demand for them, Gabriel had already hooked up with a promising Deity on Lezzathor theta, better salary and all the hot and cold running cherubs he could want; he`d always known there was a kink in that guy.

Galathor stayed until he`d gotten the old boy settled in, made sure he had everything he needed and promised he`d drop by any time he was in the neighbourhood.
A lie, but one Jay chose to believe, besides Galathor would be far too busy representing the new guy, if he was any judge, and he was; the God of science had few millennia in him.