Nothing But Disgust

After Tver
The Schosse Moskovskoye ran alongside the Volga for a while
We looked for somewhere to rest
Somewhere with beds
That slightly repulsed
Somewhere
Disappointingly normal

The river was a metal ribbon
Lying lead like through the leafy ground
The vastness of Russia
Was all around
I found the perfect amount of comfort and fear in this

I sat in the hot tub
Imagined cutting them off there
But the river
Would be better with it’s
Chill solidity and unforgivingness

People I looked at
I thought they knew
Their eyes knew
And they smiled with respect
For my pilgrimage

I felt terribly at home
In that my home was nowhere
So it could just as well be here

I loved the river
I wanted to drink it
I stepped to the bank
Dipped an empty vodka bottle
Drank deeply of the water and bits of dirt
The history and tragedy of the land

My hand shook a little with the cold
I pulled my trousers down
I crouched and baptised myself in the Volga
And lit a cigarette and drank some more of it’s ory juice
Under the stars

No, it was cloudy
It doesn’t matter
I wept a little into the river
It felt like such a perfect thing
Such a perfect thing