Under The Weather
Entry by: vinita18
13th February 2014
Dull Ash
The rain has got to my dreams now
That bright, sunny porch of promises
Lies scraggly wet and limp
Unable to fly an inch on sodden wings
The rain has got to my dreams
This bed on which I lay every night
And twittered excitedly in my head
About the scintillating colors
In which life promised to dance before me
Is damp like the last shuddering breath of moist lungs
Grey is a shroud that sternly ushers a rainbow in its folds
Like a hard nazi soldier rounding off a flourishing race
Life is greying... like flowers being burnt to dull ash
I can't seem to meet myself anymore
I have forgotten who I am
Under this grey shroud
You and I are islands
Nothing connects us except idle sea water
Empty, tired-looking, bereft of any message in a bottle
Eroding our edges with every wave
Ah! That it came to this!
That our blood turned so cold, our words so bitter
Darkness has seeped into dawn, has flooded the sun
If It drowned me, you wouldn't know. You're that far
And I'm that under the weather
*********
The rain has got to my dreams now
That bright, sunny porch of promises
Lies scraggly wet and limp
Unable to fly an inch on sodden wings
The rain has got to my dreams
This bed on which I lay every night
And twittered excitedly in my head
About the scintillating colors
In which life promised to dance before me
Is damp like the last shuddering breath of moist lungs
Grey is a shroud that sternly ushers a rainbow in its folds
Like a hard nazi soldier rounding off a flourishing race
Life is greying... like flowers being burnt to dull ash
I can't seem to meet myself anymore
I have forgotten who I am
Under this grey shroud
You and I are islands
Nothing connects us except idle sea water
Empty, tired-looking, bereft of any message in a bottle
Eroding our edges with every wave
Ah! That it came to this!
That our blood turned so cold, our words so bitter
Darkness has seeped into dawn, has flooded the sun
If It drowned me, you wouldn't know. You're that far
And I'm that under the weather
*********
Feedback: Average score: 285 (57%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
Marker 2
- Feedback: A good analogy of a relationship to weather metaphors. The line 'And twittered excitedly in my head' jars as it seems out of place. Is the bed being 'twittered'? The next two lines also seem to be out of place. Other than that verse, the poem is well constructed and conveys a definite feeling of desolation in the relationship.
Marker 3
- Feedback: Love the title. I really love this piece actually. It opens really solidly and makes me want to keep reading.
Liking the 'Grey is a shroud that sternly ushers a rainbow in its folds' ... Powerful.
I think you've done a great job for Under the Weather. Especially for an hours work! Goodluck!
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