Love Every Drop

On visiting the UK post-Brexit to congratulate the strong and stable Theresa, he steps out of the aircraft and stands there waving to his imagined supporters. However, since Brexit the specifications of the steps have been changed and do not fit as well as they should. They suddenly come unfastened, whirling around in the 90mph wind, throwing him onto the tarmac - smack! - where he dies instantly on impact.

Whilst on a tour of the US during the 2020 presidential election, he makes a change in schedule on hearing the oldest person in the state is celebrating her 108th birthday and has always voted Republican. Billboards are hastily erected around her house but unfortunately they are not all secure and the one directly above his head comes crashing down on him causing fatal head injuries.

Vladimir Putin meets with him on neutral territory in Monaco. Putin is in the grip of a virulent strain of Muscovite flu which he passes on. Being older and less fit, your man succumbs to the flu three days later. His dying words are deemed not fit to broadcast, due to a sudden wake up call within the US government.

During a stay at his golf course, he invites representatives from Scotland's finest distilleries to a bourbon tasting evening. One of them suggests he might like to visit Loch Ness and see if he can persuade the monster to show itself. Sure the Loch Ness monster would wish to meet him, he travels to the loch the next day. He stands on the shore, calling to the monster to come out, and is rewarded by Nessie rearing her head. He beckons to Nessie to come closer so he can stroke her. She approaches and swallows him up in one gulp: gone.

Invited once again to talks with Mr Kim, he and his entourage fly to North Korea. The entire entourage is wiped out by a firing squad at the Special Kim Chi dinner. Mr Kim denies all responsibility and claims this is fake news.

He visits Huddersfield, home of the Terriers, Huddersfield Town Football Club, who have beaten everyone in sight and won every football trophy going in the 2019-20 season. As he gets out of his car, a pitbull terrier rushes forward and savages him, causing other pitbulls to follow suit. He dies from his injuries and the state of Florida offers free trips to Disneyland to all Huddersfield residents in gratitude.

During an outdoor speech about the myth of climate change, a freak storm appears in a matter of seconds and he is fatally struck by lightning which hits the metallic elements of his hairpiece.

In a chess move worthy of Bobby Fisher, the cabinet encourage him to come up with a new law against migrants. The small print says,
'Any citizen who does not have American ancestry shall be declared an illegal migrant'. The signing of this new law is on TV so the entire nation are able to enjoy the spectacle of him being declared illegal because of his Scottish mother and arrested by the FBI. He is shown in the death throes of a heart attack whilst a brave young intern tears up the law in front of him and is immediately named a front running candidate as his successor for her initiative.

New technology has been developed to record dreams. He can't wait to try it out and let his fans know what he is dreaming, so he has the machine directly hooked up to a live broadcast. That night, he dreams of Muhammad Ali, whom he insists on calling Cassius Clay, and they argue about who is the greatest. The boxer slugs him and he wakes up, bashing his head on the headboard of the bed, which causes a fatal aneurism.

From time to time he goes to his vault to look at his gold bullion. On this occasion, despite warnings from climate change experts that an earthquake is about to hit Florida, he goes to look at the bullion. The shock waves of the earthquake hit the foundations of the vault and he is swallowed up by a sink hole, along with his gold bars.

Keen to show his love for non-Americans who are not migrants, he goes to a conference on preserving the rights of the Quechua. He gropes the woman representing the Quechua and brushes against her necklace, which is made of poison darts. The poison paralyses him in the position of grabbing her breasts, giving the press ample time to record his final movements before the poison takes hold and kills him. The Quechuans are all immediately granted US citizenship, but use the papers, when they arrive to celebrate a fire festival in the spirit of pride in their identity, renunciation and schadenfreude.

The Saudis invite him to a banquet and offer him steak. He refuses saying he does not eat halal meat. They assure him this meat is not halal. He compliments them on the meal just before clearing his plate, which he then sees bears, in gold letters, the name Jamal Khashoggi. He proceeds to have a conversation about fake news before being dismembered by bodyguards. Naturally, the US administration cancel all arms deals with the country, causing a severe outbreak of peace which lasts for several years.

There could be more, but I think he has probably suffered enough for now.....


Footnote: this article has not been checked at all for factual accuracy and any errors should be attributed to the bias of the author.