We're All Going...

WE'RE ALL GOING TO GET ON PURR-FECTLY F-EL-INE

To: Felinerehome@ gforce.ok
From: A Purr-manently placed Puss

Hi. I'm sure you'd like to know I've settled into my new home and it's purr-fect. I knew, as soon as I set paw here, we were all going to get along fine - once I'd licked the residents into shape.

Another feline lived here for a long time. His name was Tinka, so, I'm Tinkatoo. Fine by me. I'll answer to anything.

When I arrived, a Tailwagger scrabbled at Purr-son's legs. 'I've missed you, I've missed you,' TW yapped hysterically. Very undignified. TW also means twit.

I sashayed out of my travel crate. Settled on the carpet keeping an eye on TW. She slowly approached, sniffed me from nose to tail. Sensing my powerful aura she backed away reverently and returned to her bed. Without purr-suasion, she accepted her purr-lace in the pecking order. Shame. I enjoy an occasional battle of wills.

My kingdom is com-fur-table. It was clearly dominated by TW but that's all changed now. There are nooks and crannies to purr-petrate, and windows to bask in the sun. The cosiest purr-lace is next to the computer where it's warm with piles of pa-purr to shred.

After all the excitement that first evening, I didn't feel too purr-ky and catnapped on Purr's favourite chair. She's a soft touch. A few sad meows and I'm purr-mitted to stay there. It's more my chair than hers now.

I had a minor disagreement with TW the first morning. It was purr-plexing. I'm accustomed to sharing food, but TW thought otherwise. She wolfed mine down, then refused to share hers.

Purr realised what had happened. The next mealtime she chastised TW when she purr-sisted in targeting my dish. I tucked in and left a purr-centage for later. Of course, it had disappeared by then. It didn't go unnoticed, and now I eat on the kitchen worktop. I've gone up in the world, in more ways than one.

Purr is highly amused by my eating habits. Wishes she could turn my talent into hard cash. I scoop food from my dish with my paw. I do the same with canned food because my head won't fit in the can. I tried. Got stuck. Purr says I'm a regular comedian.

One day, TW settled down with a bone the length of my tail. Would she share? Later, Purr put it on the worktop for me. I ignored it. Not exactly haute cuisine. I reclined next to it, in full view of TW who cried like a puppy. I feigned indifference. She eventually gave up.

There was a cat-astrophe regarding the litter tray. I was purr-turbed because, as much as I tried, I couldn't get my derriere in the right position. Honestly! A kitten would have had the same problem. Two days later someone called Amazon delivered a larger loo. It's a box with a door-flap. Purr noticed TW had a penchant for eating my poo. No accounting for taste.

Purr has joined the elite club of cat owners who pay outlandish prices for feline purr-a-phernalia. eBay sent a scratch post. I tried to kill it. Now I ignore it. This was followed by purr-fumed powder Purr sprinkled on my scratch mat. I rolled over and over. My whiskers twitched, my tail flicked, my mind went whizzy.

TW inhaled but wasn't im-purr-est. I could take it or leave it. I think Purr wants a spaced out feline. She bought expensive Japanese catnip. I wouldn't recommend it. It wasn't worth my time or energy. Purr said she may have to roll in it herself or sell it on a street corner.

My favourite plaything is a dog biscuit I found under the sofa. TW looked hopeful but no way was I giving it back. Purr sighed, shook her head and said she'd given up.

One day I found a bag of fur. It smelled feline. Hiss! It was a purr-blood's. My hackles shot up ready to fight the fur. Apparently, Purr's friend gave it to her for her hobby. Needle felting? Purr made a felt mouse with the fur. I tossed it around the room. It played dead. I lost interest. It scares the living daylights out of visitors who see it in the middle of the floor. I enjoy the purr-formance. Inside I'm meowling with laughter. Outside, I'm inscrutable.

I'm not a night owl like many of my kind. I don't yearn for nights out on the tiles. I like my comfort. The second night I upgraded from the chair to Purr's bed. TW sulked. The following night TW spread herself out on the bed before I had set paw in the room. I am amazed how a small canine can take up so much space.

Purr kindly invited me onto the bed and rearranged TW, who couldn't argue seeing it was two against one. She gave me purr-mission to stay. Big of her.

TW and I have settled into a routine and go to bed before Purr. We spread out, leaving a space for her. She's far from satisfied with her corner of the mattress. Makes us budge over. In the morning, she's scrunched in her corner, her legs hanging over the edge of the bed.

I'm allowing Purr to stroke me and give me brief tummy tickles but I'm banning any further physical contact for the moment. I don't want to appear 'easy.' I'm a bit of a tease though. One chilly night I explored under the bed covers and licked the back of her knee. She giggled and said it was something that hadn't happened in a long while. Not sure what she meant by that.

My favourite visitor is Purr's male kitten, even though he tried to kill me. He was cooking and dropped a wok from a high shelf. It missed me by a whisker. I set a new land-speed record and remained under the bed for a long time. To make him suffer. I love male kitten and fur-got the no-cuddle rule, allowing him to give me a long hug. Purr's mouth turned down. Her eyes looked sad.

I love Purr. I'll let her cuddle me properly tonight when the three of us are on the sofa watching the noisy box. We are definitely all getting on purr-fectly f-el-ine.

A big thank you, purrs and kitty-kisses, Tinkatoo.