Sometimes I'm Happy

Entry by: Seeking Wolf

30th September 2022
"It's none of your business , Mum. But, even if it was, HAPPY is a really stupid word.Mr Greave said it's super vague .No content.There are REAL words that SAY real things. So-Mum. LEAVE ME ALONE ."

My heart feels as if it is cut in two. My darling daughter KNOWS what I mean by the word , happy.
I remember what it was to be fifteen . But I really don't believe I was as cruel as she is -to my parents. I wish I knew if, at least, sometimes, she is happy. My thoughts are, all over the place , I know."

I wish Mum would just leave me alone. I would be a lot happier if she would. She has no idea, no idea AT ALL.That word, "happy", is so STUPID. it doesn't convey anything, Mum must think I am idiotic.
Sure, I am "happy", sometimes, but I can't get a handle on what this word might really mean.It is too vague.

I get what Matty means, finally.
Yes, it is an over simplistic word. When I am making the dog's dinner, I hold so many emotions. When I think about it, I am bored=out of my skull. I am happy-that dear Sorley survived his kidney episode and is doing well.I just get cutting and cooking and listen to music. The wine helps.But i cannot pretend this repetitive action is exactly enjoyable. Up to a point, this is , however, pleasurable, since the wine is gently thrilling . I am not happy at the thought Matty might catch me drinking it.

At ten past ten, Martha heads up the stairs, to clean her teeth, content that this ritual will prevent her drinking more.

At twenty past ten, Matty slips out of the kitchen door, and runs down the lane till she spots Keith in the shadow of the hedge .

TONIGHT, she has decided, will be THE night.She tries to describe to herself how she feels. "Happy" is too SMALL a word, Excited?NO-she is terrified.and flattered. Simultaneously.
You can never have just one feeling at a time, in a kind of linear sequence. No-feelings crowd in, one meshed with another, in the kind of way plastics meld into kelp.The best feelings can't be confined to words anyway.

Keith smiles.His hands tremble.
"Are you ready, my darling?"
Matty breathes deeply. She nods. She holds his collar.
"Oh yes, always with you", she whispers.