I Was Scared

Scared? I weren’t scared! I ‘ad a duty to perform, and them sausages weren’t goin’ to cook themselves, was they?

Wait, what? You say you ‘aven’t ‘eard this story? Well, then, pull up a stool, buy an old man a drink, and I’ll tell you all about it.

It were 1944 and I were just a young whippersnapper, not long outa training. My unit was dropped on some godforsaken island somewhere in the Pacific, don’t ask me where. We was supposed to be settin’ up a temporary air strip, so’s the Allies could send raids against Japan. It were hot, I can tell you that much. Bitin’ insects, big as yer thumb. Muggy, an’ all. So, while the others was sweatin’ over the boxes, I were sweatin’ over the sausages. We’d only just arrived and started the unpackin’, so we ‘ad bits and pieces of kit and machinery all over.

I were just puttin’ the bacon on to fry, when we ‘eard a noise. I ‘adn’t been with the unit long, as I said, so I didn’t know an enemy plane from a buzzsaw, but the others knew what it were right away. They scattered like ninepins, callin’ back to me to run for me life. But I figured it were worth more than me life to let those sausages burn, so there I stayed, fryin’ away, while the others hid in the trees – or, at least, that how it looked to them.

The noise got louder and a plane hove into view. Felt like it were zeroin’ in, right on me fryin’ pan. Then there was bullets whizzin’ past me nose and throwin’ up dirt all around. I threw meself over the breakfast, tryin’ to stop the grit from gettin’ in the mushrooms. It flew right over me ‘ead, firin’ all the while, then came back for another go in the other direction. An’ then it was gone.

The others took a good long while to come out from where they was hidin’, but I just stayed right where I were, lookin’ after their food like nothin’ ‘ad ‘appened. When they finally came back over, there were admiration in their faces like I’d never seen afore.

“Albert, mate!” one of ‘em cried. “You saved the breakfast from the Japs! You’re a hero!”

Then they was all clappin’ me on the back and cheerin’, while I calmly served round the nosh and they all settled down to eat.

What they didn’t know were that I tried to run, all right. I may be cracked in the ‘ead, but I’m not stupid enough to take on an enemy plane for the sake of some sausages! But some bloody idiot had left the packin’ wire lyin’ around, right next to where I were cookin’, an’ it got wrapped all round me feet when I tried to move. So, while they was all runnin’ for cover, I were rooted to the spot with the food.

Scared? Well, just between you an’ me, since you’ve been so generous with the drinks an’ all... While they was finishing off the breakfast, I ‘ad to slip be’ind a tree and change me underpants. But I weren’t goin’ to tell them that, were I?

THE END

(True story – or at least that’s how my granddad always told it!)