New Year Resolution

Entry by: Lossie Laxton

8th January 2015
It seems that every time I make a resolution to not be afraid, as whatever it is I'm worried about is extremely unlikely to happen, then something happens immediately to reverse this feeling and convince me dramatically of the opposite. Walking down into a steep, isolated valley in Italy on my own, feeling scared the whole time and jumping at every sound - I took myself in hand and told myself now is the time to enjoy what you are doing, dismiss the fear, focus on the positives and beauty of this walk, think about all the others you've met with their cheerful, unscathed stories of similar adventures....right after this resolve was when I heard the menacing, low growl close to my right hand in the undergrowth next to the path. A bear? A mountain lion? Apparently it was a wild boar. I turned and tried to run back up the steep hill I had just descended, like the prey I felt, warned off, well and truly, breaths ripping through my throat, brambles tearing my arms and legs, mind cursing myself for not having superhuman near-death strength and power to transport myself up the mountain in milliseconds. 'What a stupid way to die' my subconscious said, 'as I'm not a Ray Mears etc, and it would suit me better to die in a plane crash - I didn't even need to go for this walk, I would have been just as happy reading a book in the house...'. I got back covered in blood, throat raw and sore for days, the fear too much.

I fear that my tragic flaw, even though such a concept is today thought dimly of by academics as an essay crutch, is an ability to climb high and quickly, but then on seeing where I am, to stop petrified, sick and dizzy and unable to deal with its reality.

I suppose we are animals who must always be alert to danger and predators, but also have the higher consciousness to aspire to something beyond that. I don't know if I can resolve not to be afraid, or even not to run away from danger when I perceive its warning signs. I can try to achieve something in the rest of my time which helps with the general raising of human consciousness and intelligence, and expression. I can resolve to continue doing that in every new year and it may make some difference. It should make more positive difference than me not doing that, or me pretending to be something I'm not and then failing completely when it comes to the point.