My Facebook Movie
Entry by: Cara
15th February 2014
fade in
girl at a microphone
holding a notebook,
hair like a messy tumble of wires
in a basement box
costumes in October,
paint
and
gauze
and
light hearts
dancing in a silver dress
on an open dance floor,
the choreography of celebration
and the winter snow
a birthday cake decked with dragonflies
waiting behind a closed door,
together with the excitement
of the party guests
family at a wedding,
cheeks flushed and smiles genuine,
the connection of humans
to other humans
a pet rat nestled in a cradle
of gentle arms,
whiskers fanned out
like a bouquet
the space
between the panels
between the frames
between the camera clicks
fade out
girl at a microphone
holding a notebook,
hair like a messy tumble of wires
in a basement box
costumes in October,
paint
and
gauze
and
light hearts
dancing in a silver dress
on an open dance floor,
the choreography of celebration
and the winter snow
a birthday cake decked with dragonflies
waiting behind a closed door,
together with the excitement
of the party guests
family at a wedding,
cheeks flushed and smiles genuine,
the connection of humans
to other humans
a pet rat nestled in a cradle
of gentle arms,
whiskers fanned out
like a bouquet
the space
between the panels
between the frames
between the camera clicks
fade out
Feedback: Average score: 382 (76%)
Marker comments:
Marker 1
Marker 2
- Feedback: I like the poem, very apt, visual and moving. It could do with a light edit to really tighten it up but overal I really enjoyed it.
In the fifth stanza I'd look at changing the 'smiles genuine' line, it just didn't feel right to me.
The first stanza is excellent, the way the hair is compared to a tangle of wires is wonderful.
Well done.
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