About My Mother

My Mother Told Me All I Ever Needed To Know About Sex


If you touch your unmentionable part
you will grow hair on your palms.
If you dream of women undressing
you will burn in hell for eternity
plus twenty years. If you take a shower
longer than five minutes,
ducks will fly out of your body.
Impure thoughts will get you
nine out of ten times
and the tenth will get you in jail.
Girls only want one thing
and it is never the same as what boys want;
boys always want the next best thing.
If you want to know more about sex
read a car repair manual
and get your mind out of the gutter
into some other activity
that will keep you too busy
to think about other things.

Even Norman Bates in Psycho
never had a mother like this.