On This Mountain
Entry by: percypop
3rd April 2015
ON THIS MOUNTAIN for Hours of Writing 415
On this mountain all my struggles will end.
I have been moving to this final moment for years and now it has arrived I feel calm.
How did my illness begin? It must have begun when I started to learn how to fly.
“ You’ll never finish the course†my father said “you think you can do so much but we know you.â€
“Leave the boy alone, he can dream surely?â€
My mother was my comfort and tried her best to protect me, but deep down I felt weak and unsure. It was the only job I ever wanted, to be the commander of an airplane with the lives of my passengers in my control.
I set out to prove that my skills were adequate for this job. I studied hard and took every exam they set. I never failed but I knew that my scores were just below average so I learnt to hide my fears behind a smiling face.
“ How are your eye tests ?†my first co-pilot asked me.
He had seen me straining to read the altimeter during one training flight but I joked about it and he dropped the matter.
Secretly, I had an eye test and it confirmed that I had a condition which was likely to increase within a short time. I never told anyone of this not even my girlfriend but I now realize this was the most serious event in my path to this final act.
Masking my fears and my condition was easy. I had been ill before and depression was an enemy I knew well. I fought it with medication and therapy.
I reasoned that most people have periods of black moods so this is not abnormal.
Why should I admit to things that everyone suffers? I tore up the medical notes I had, I decided that I could manage my life without that complication. Perhaps I was wrong.
Preparing for this flight was difficult since I knew that my co-pilot was more experienced than me. If I could have been granted my wish I would have taken a job on a cargo flight but that would be strange for an airline pilot and raised questions. So this passenger flight is to be my last flight as commander of a plane. There is no more to be said.
I am perfectly calm.
On this mountain all my struggles will end.
I have been moving to this final moment for years and now it has arrived I feel calm.
How did my illness begin? It must have begun when I started to learn how to fly.
“ You’ll never finish the course†my father said “you think you can do so much but we know you.â€
“Leave the boy alone, he can dream surely?â€
My mother was my comfort and tried her best to protect me, but deep down I felt weak and unsure. It was the only job I ever wanted, to be the commander of an airplane with the lives of my passengers in my control.
I set out to prove that my skills were adequate for this job. I studied hard and took every exam they set. I never failed but I knew that my scores were just below average so I learnt to hide my fears behind a smiling face.
“ How are your eye tests ?†my first co-pilot asked me.
He had seen me straining to read the altimeter during one training flight but I joked about it and he dropped the matter.
Secretly, I had an eye test and it confirmed that I had a condition which was likely to increase within a short time. I never told anyone of this not even my girlfriend but I now realize this was the most serious event in my path to this final act.
Masking my fears and my condition was easy. I had been ill before and depression was an enemy I knew well. I fought it with medication and therapy.
I reasoned that most people have periods of black moods so this is not abnormal.
Why should I admit to things that everyone suffers? I tore up the medical notes I had, I decided that I could manage my life without that complication. Perhaps I was wrong.
Preparing for this flight was difficult since I knew that my co-pilot was more experienced than me. If I could have been granted my wish I would have taken a job on a cargo flight but that would be strange for an airline pilot and raised questions. So this passenger flight is to be my last flight as commander of a plane. There is no more to be said.
I am perfectly calm.
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