On This Mountain

Entry by: percypop

3rd April 2015
ON THIS MOUNTAIN for Hours of Writing 415

On this mountain all my struggles will end.
I have been moving to this final moment for years and now it has arrived I feel calm.
How did my illness begin? It must have begun when I started to learn how to fly.
“ You’ll never finish the course” my father said “you think you can do so much but we know you.”
“Leave the boy alone, he can dream surely?”
My mother was my comfort and tried her best to protect me, but deep down I felt weak and unsure. It was the only job I ever wanted, to be the commander of an airplane with the lives of my passengers in my control.
I set out to prove that my skills were adequate for this job. I studied hard and took every exam they set. I never failed but I knew that my scores were just below average so I learnt to hide my fears behind a smiling face.
“ How are your eye tests ?” my first co-pilot asked me.
He had seen me straining to read the altimeter during one training flight but I joked about it and he dropped the matter.
Secretly, I had an eye test and it confirmed that I had a condition which was likely to increase within a short time. I never told anyone of this not even my girlfriend but I now realize this was the most serious event in my path to this final act.
Masking my fears and my condition was easy. I had been ill before and depression was an enemy I knew well. I fought it with medication and therapy.
I reasoned that most people have periods of black moods so this is not abnormal.

Why should I admit to things that everyone suffers? I tore up the medical notes I had, I decided that I could manage my life without that complication. Perhaps I was wrong.
Preparing for this flight was difficult since I knew that my co-pilot was more experienced than me. If I could have been granted my wish I would have taken a job on a cargo flight but that would be strange for an airline pilot and raised questions. So this passenger flight is to be my last flight as commander of a plane. There is no more to be said.
I am perfectly calm.