The Way Down

Going Down

Scene: A lift. Two men, DAVID LIVINGSTONE and WINSTON CHURCHILL are standing one at either back corner. There is the noise of the lift stopping and the door opening. JOAN OF ARC steps in.

JOAN: Is this going up?

WINSTON: No love, it's going down. Didn't you see the arrow?

JOAN: I saw a bright light and heard a wild shriek in my
head.

WINSTON: That was the fire alarm.

DAVID: Tactless.

WINSTON: Doesn't change the fact that this lift is going down.

JOAN: I'd better get off

WINSTON: And leave us here in the lurch. Typical of foreigners -
and women, I should say.

(Noise of door closing and lift starting up.)

DAVID: It's too late now, you're stuck with us. We're going
down.

WINSTON: The next stop is the basement. I used to be somebody
once. People made films about my life. They even
made my early failures look like planned advances.
Nowadays I'd be called a misogynistic, colonial
dinosaur. Equal opportunities would be moaning
that I only got where I did because I was a member of
the aristocratic elite. I wouldn't even be allowed to
smoke my cigars. Saved the country...

DAVID: (yawning) ...single handed...

WINSTON: ...and can't even get invited to speak at a UKIP rally.
I suppose you are going to tell me that you saved an
entire continent.

DAVID: I keep that quiet these days otherwise people blame
me for spreading malaria across East Africa. A
working class mill boy, pulled myself up by my
bootlaces, and Labour say I'm too much part of
the Old Establishment to be their pin-up boy.

WINSTON: You could try the SNP.

DAVID: They feel my missionary work is too much based on
one religion. It doesn't sit with their views on a
multi-cultural, tartan society. They'd rather have
Flora McDonald.

WINSTON: Playing the female card. They'd be better with
Mary, Queen of Scots.

DAVID: She got her head chopped off.

WINSTON: At the hands of the English. And without a head
she can't open her mouth and put her foot in it.

JOAN: You British, you never like a woman who stands up
for her beliefs.

WINSTON: Listen to her. Anybody would think she was a
Libdem.

JOAN: My enemies have been spreading malicious lies
about me again.

WINSTON: There's no smoke without fire.

DAVID: You've done it again. I can see why you made a
good PM.

(Lift stops and noise of door opening)

WINSTON: Everybody out.

JOAN: Where are we? I am supposed to be meeting my
Maker.

DAVID: He isn't interested in the likes of us any more.

WINSTON: You Scots are always feeling sorry for yourselves.
You've got towns named after you. What more do
you want? When people hear my name they
think of a wobbly-headed toy dog.

JOAN: While you two are squabbling, I have an
appointment. (shows the others a gold-edged card)

WINSTON: Yes love, we've all got one of those.

(Winston and David show their cards)

JOAN: What does it mean?

DAVID: This is the basement for has-been heroes like us.
Blair will be along soon.

WINSTON: Well, who else do you think would believe he was
God down here?


THE END