More Than Life
Entry by: scifisam
27th May 2015
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
It is with regret that I write to inform you of the unexpected and untimely death of Alasdair J Long, who was recently awarded the Cavell Grant for neurological research. He was held in great esteem in the department and many of us considered him a close personal friend; we intend to continue his work to honour his efforts, and hope that you will continue to find the project worthy of funding.
Yours Sincerely
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
I would like to politely request an extension to the funding deadline re-application. Sadly Alasdair J Long’s replacement researcher has also passed away, as has the second replacement and my colleague, Sarah Jeffries, who was reviewing the work.
However, Alasdair’s work was of such potential value in human lifespan research that we are reluctant to abandon it due to what must be simple coincidences.
Yours sincerely
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
This email will have to be brief. In short, we have made discoveries that will, if you pardon the phrase, blow your mind. The deaths of Alasdair J Long, Sarah Jeffries and our other two colleagues, as mentioned in the previous email, were not, as some believed, a coincidence. Several other people who have attempted to work on Alasdair’s project – specifically, one very small section of the project - have now also passed away, with the exception of myself and one other researcher, Kim Lee.
Dr Lee and myself decided to test how dangerous this project could possibly be – after all, it contained nothing that was ever known to previously cause any illness at all, except occasionally eye problems – and have gained the permission of the government of Bahrain to work with some of their condemned prisoners. Bahrain are happy to retroactively fund our project if it is successful, but to continue our work we would still benefit greatly from the grant you previously were so kind to award to our institution.
Yours
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
I was surprised not to receive a response to my previous email. Perhaps you have attempted to contact us via the telephone and have been unable to get through. If so, I apologise – we have been very busy.
The experiment in Bahrain was highly successful. Out of the 357 prisoners who interacted with Alasdair J Long’s project, only 32 survived. Those who did not survive expired in a way that was far more humane than the method proposed by the Bahrain govt, and the survivors have all been pardoned. We are pleased to have been part of a project with such important humanitarian outcomes.
Since returning from Bahrain we have, of course, worked on discovering exactly which aspects of the Alasdair J Long project have these effects. Does the medium of delivery make a difference? Length and/or depth of exposure? Size? Even colour and style could possibly have had an effect.
Accordingly we have set up test groups and of course a placebo group. For a project of this size, without yet securing funding, we have, unfortunately, had to involve the governments of some regimes that I am hesitant to name in this form of communication.
We have now involved over 10,000 test subjects and increased the expiration rate to over 95%.
We would greatly prefer to conduct this project in the most ethical way possible, with compensation given to all participants who expire, who we hope would volunteer due to the size of the financial rewards.
We also need to expand our subject base for an interesting reason: many of the survivors have dyslexia or severe vision problems – one of which applies to both me and Dr Lee – and these are statistically more likely to occur in prison populations. We are also concerned that the experiment is being hampered by the fact that many of the test subjects are not literate in a language using the Western alphabet. Only minimal literacy is required, but even this means that we have had to teach the prisoners to read shortly before they expire. This problem would be largely eliminated in the general population.
There is now no doubt in our minds whatsoever as to the mechanism of the delivery of a lethal dose, although further refinements do need to be made. However, equally important is to develop an antidote, and for that we clearly will need further funding.
Please find my phone number and contact details at the end of this email.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Mr Bridges
I am very disappointed with the threatening tone of your latest email and answerphone messages. Reporting me to the licensing board? To the POLICE? Do you have no respect for science? What we have found could not only lead to humane executions and voluntary terminations of life but, I believe, also has the opposite possibility of extending human lifespan if the mechanism can be reversed.
That was what the grant you originally awarded was for. It is not, I repeat, not unreasonable for us to still request that you pay the grant you already agreed to.
If you are willing to discuss this in a constructive way then I know you definitely have my contact details.
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
You probably expect me to be annoyed with you due to the recent police visits occasioned by your actions. However, it is not possible for me to be annoyed when so many good things have also happened recently.
We have conclusively determined the delivery procedure for what we are now calling the Alasdair J Long Mechanism. Medium is unimportant, as are style, size and colour as long as legibility is retained. Subjects with dyslexia may be invulnerable, as, less surprisingly, are blind subjects – audio recordings have zero effect. It is a very precise mechanism, one whose origins were accidental but highly effective, as many great scientific changes are.
This breakthrough could never have come to be without the existence of Alasdair J Long, PhD, or, rather, of someone with his name and title, those letters in that exact order juxtaposed with specific other letters at a certain letter distance from the name. Naturally I cannot reveal the exact letters or the exact order for reasons of patent protection.
Nobody would ever have expected that simply obliging the brain to take specific processing steps, reading those letters in a precise order and distance, could create a neural pattern that leads to a massive seizure.
Our latest experiment, since we are still lacking in funds, is to send out emails with those precise letters to large numbers of individuals. Dr Lee keeps calling it the “poison pen project†and that is surprisingly apt.
To keep the experiment pure, we cannot notify them of their involvement. You could even be a participant yourself.
For your information, the mechanism works thus: first you feel more tired than you should, then a headache starts behind your eyes. Next your temperature fluctuates; one participant described this as like “feeling the icy hand of death on your shoulder as he leads you towards the infernal fire.â€
The final definitive sign is a nosebleed that refuses to stop. For some people this can come on in under half an hour, while for others it can take as much as three days.
You might be interested to know that we are extremely close to perfecting an antidote text. Unfortunately we do still need a small injection of funding to complete the final stages. You can find our bank details at the end of this letter, in case you are too tired to seek out the details submitted in prior grant applications.
How are you feeling, Mr Bridges? Are you certain that I am a monster, or a “delusional fantasist,†as stated in your colourful voicemail? Do you stand by your claim that such a mechanism could never work?
Will this be the last letter you ever read?
I hope to hear from you soon. If not, pass on my condolences in advance to Mrs Bridges.
Yours faithfully
A. Neill.
Dear Mr Bridges
It is with regret that I write to inform you of the unexpected and untimely death of Alasdair J Long, who was recently awarded the Cavell Grant for neurological research. He was held in great esteem in the department and many of us considered him a close personal friend; we intend to continue his work to honour his efforts, and hope that you will continue to find the project worthy of funding.
Yours Sincerely
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
I would like to politely request an extension to the funding deadline re-application. Sadly Alasdair J Long’s replacement researcher has also passed away, as has the second replacement and my colleague, Sarah Jeffries, who was reviewing the work.
However, Alasdair’s work was of such potential value in human lifespan research that we are reluctant to abandon it due to what must be simple coincidences.
Yours sincerely
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
This email will have to be brief. In short, we have made discoveries that will, if you pardon the phrase, blow your mind. The deaths of Alasdair J Long, Sarah Jeffries and our other two colleagues, as mentioned in the previous email, were not, as some believed, a coincidence. Several other people who have attempted to work on Alasdair’s project – specifically, one very small section of the project - have now also passed away, with the exception of myself and one other researcher, Kim Lee.
Dr Lee and myself decided to test how dangerous this project could possibly be – after all, it contained nothing that was ever known to previously cause any illness at all, except occasionally eye problems – and have gained the permission of the government of Bahrain to work with some of their condemned prisoners. Bahrain are happy to retroactively fund our project if it is successful, but to continue our work we would still benefit greatly from the grant you previously were so kind to award to our institution.
Yours
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
I was surprised not to receive a response to my previous email. Perhaps you have attempted to contact us via the telephone and have been unable to get through. If so, I apologise – we have been very busy.
The experiment in Bahrain was highly successful. Out of the 357 prisoners who interacted with Alasdair J Long’s project, only 32 survived. Those who did not survive expired in a way that was far more humane than the method proposed by the Bahrain govt, and the survivors have all been pardoned. We are pleased to have been part of a project with such important humanitarian outcomes.
Since returning from Bahrain we have, of course, worked on discovering exactly which aspects of the Alasdair J Long project have these effects. Does the medium of delivery make a difference? Length and/or depth of exposure? Size? Even colour and style could possibly have had an effect.
Accordingly we have set up test groups and of course a placebo group. For a project of this size, without yet securing funding, we have, unfortunately, had to involve the governments of some regimes that I am hesitant to name in this form of communication.
We have now involved over 10,000 test subjects and increased the expiration rate to over 95%.
We would greatly prefer to conduct this project in the most ethical way possible, with compensation given to all participants who expire, who we hope would volunteer due to the size of the financial rewards.
We also need to expand our subject base for an interesting reason: many of the survivors have dyslexia or severe vision problems – one of which applies to both me and Dr Lee – and these are statistically more likely to occur in prison populations. We are also concerned that the experiment is being hampered by the fact that many of the test subjects are not literate in a language using the Western alphabet. Only minimal literacy is required, but even this means that we have had to teach the prisoners to read shortly before they expire. This problem would be largely eliminated in the general population.
There is now no doubt in our minds whatsoever as to the mechanism of the delivery of a lethal dose, although further refinements do need to be made. However, equally important is to develop an antidote, and for that we clearly will need further funding.
Please find my phone number and contact details at the end of this email.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Mr Bridges
I am very disappointed with the threatening tone of your latest email and answerphone messages. Reporting me to the licensing board? To the POLICE? Do you have no respect for science? What we have found could not only lead to humane executions and voluntary terminations of life but, I believe, also has the opposite possibility of extending human lifespan if the mechanism can be reversed.
That was what the grant you originally awarded was for. It is not, I repeat, not unreasonable for us to still request that you pay the grant you already agreed to.
If you are willing to discuss this in a constructive way then I know you definitely have my contact details.
A. Neill
TO: grants@biosciencesociety.org.uk
Dear Mr Bridges
FOR YOUR EYES ONLY
You probably expect me to be annoyed with you due to the recent police visits occasioned by your actions. However, it is not possible for me to be annoyed when so many good things have also happened recently.
We have conclusively determined the delivery procedure for what we are now calling the Alasdair J Long Mechanism. Medium is unimportant, as are style, size and colour as long as legibility is retained. Subjects with dyslexia may be invulnerable, as, less surprisingly, are blind subjects – audio recordings have zero effect. It is a very precise mechanism, one whose origins were accidental but highly effective, as many great scientific changes are.
This breakthrough could never have come to be without the existence of Alasdair J Long, PhD, or, rather, of someone with his name and title, those letters in that exact order juxtaposed with specific other letters at a certain letter distance from the name. Naturally I cannot reveal the exact letters or the exact order for reasons of patent protection.
Nobody would ever have expected that simply obliging the brain to take specific processing steps, reading those letters in a precise order and distance, could create a neural pattern that leads to a massive seizure.
Our latest experiment, since we are still lacking in funds, is to send out emails with those precise letters to large numbers of individuals. Dr Lee keeps calling it the “poison pen project†and that is surprisingly apt.
To keep the experiment pure, we cannot notify them of their involvement. You could even be a participant yourself.
For your information, the mechanism works thus: first you feel more tired than you should, then a headache starts behind your eyes. Next your temperature fluctuates; one participant described this as like “feeling the icy hand of death on your shoulder as he leads you towards the infernal fire.â€
The final definitive sign is a nosebleed that refuses to stop. For some people this can come on in under half an hour, while for others it can take as much as three days.
You might be interested to know that we are extremely close to perfecting an antidote text. Unfortunately we do still need a small injection of funding to complete the final stages. You can find our bank details at the end of this letter, in case you are too tired to seek out the details submitted in prior grant applications.
How are you feeling, Mr Bridges? Are you certain that I am a monster, or a “delusional fantasist,†as stated in your colourful voicemail? Do you stand by your claim that such a mechanism could never work?
Will this be the last letter you ever read?
I hope to hear from you soon. If not, pass on my condolences in advance to Mrs Bridges.
Yours faithfully
A. Neill.
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