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13:57, 11 Dec 2017
you smile and teach me to inhale
warm rays of sunshine
smoothening the jagged barbed wire
taking up all the space
in my crumbling lungs

you laugh and teach me to breathe,
it's the hardest thing i've done since taking that shower,
the frost melts
and for the first time in years
i'm warm

you grin and teach me to talk,
to let all those chained up words
escape with groans of relief and
murmurs of uncertainty,
let go, you whisper as sun-lit fingertips creep over the horizon

you cry and teach me to use
the scorching searing fire that burns
skeletons who get to close,
you show me anger can be beautiful
and that it's okay to feel

you shout and teach me to let words spill,
like spring rain in March,
you show me how to let words embrace the dark,
that sharing isn't a death sentence
nor exile

you sing and teach me to smile
without sadness clinging to it's edges,
to laugh unhindered,
and to cry silently and so very loud,
to not let the darkness win

you whisper and teach me to remember,
to remember,
to curl my fists up tight
and swing back hard,
you remind me to fight back

you embrace and teach me to never ever give up,
to welcome the darkness
with scarred arms
but that it doesn't mean
it's everything i am

you jump and everything you've taught me
disappears in a whirl of screams and accusations
and salty tears that aren't mine
because i've forgotten what
you've said about crying.

you break and fucking hypocrite is all i can hear
in the memories of your soft voice and violin strings
and broken bones from long ago,
you promised, because you promised,
echoes down my buckling spine under
the weight of what i did wrong and what i could've done right
and the what ifs and could've beens

you die and leave me behind
and as the frost ices over and
my anger scorched rings of fire around me,
i stop talking and smiling
and fighting back
and i'm sorry but i've forgotten
what you've taught me

13:33, 11 Dec 2017
you smile and suddenly I can breathe through the suffocating smoke and barbed wire that ensnare my lungs with twisting snarling claws

you smile and relief seeps, like water through thin cracking ceilings, into muscles stained by decade old tension

you smile and poison leaks from my veins through crumbling fingertips, raw and bitten, let me out

you smile and words, harsh and acidic, sputter and fade, leaving behind nothing but a breathe of slightly stale air

you smile and cool crystals collect and form in the hollows of collarbones and deep in the shade of shoulder blades