We Stupid Apes

Wayne voice msg: Earth to Lorane, Earth to Lorane.

Lorane text: Let’s do text or voice message. Couldnt hear u wifi playing up I think
Keeps throwing me off network

Wayne voice msg: Are you there?
I’ve had another idea to add to our list

Lorane text: I am but connection falling on and off
Always seems to be the same time of night

Wayne text: Did you get my message?

Lorane text: U have idea?

Wayne text: Yes
An A list idea
Think we should just go for it

Lorane text: It?

Wayne text: It= the idea

Lorane text: ok dont leave me hanging

Wayne voice msg: this is a test to see if you’re getting my voice messages
let me know

Lorane voice: what’s the idea? not the making coffins for ants idea, i hope

Wayne voice: did you get my voice message? the previous one

Lorane voice: I didn’t get the long one
I got the one before it and the one after it

Wayne voice: Okay, what am I saying? Ging gang goolie goolie goolie.

Lorane voice: Heh heh, I don’t know, something about your goolies. It’s really slow tonight. I’m hoping it will be quicker when everyone’s gone to sleep.

Wayne voice: I know there’s a delay but when you get the message can you actually hear everything?

Lorane voice: just hurry up and say it

Wayne voice: This is an important announcement. I need to check everything. Testing, testing, do you copy?

Wayne text: hello?

Lorane text: hello

Wayne text: Did you get my message?

Lorane text: which one?

Lorane voice: my patience is really being tested today. one of my messages isn’t loading and...oh I’ve just got your last one, hold on.
I can hear everything you’re saying. shoot. over.

Wayne text: What's wrong with my coffin idea, anyway, may I ask?

Lorane text: just don't think you're gonna find any takers, that's all

Wayne text: But they’re a little life. Appreciation of less intelligent life forms is on the increase.

Lorane: Must be why I married you

Wayne: Yes, very funny. Can we take this seriously? An untapped market always seems like a joke at first but just you wait.

Lorane: So they should be buried decently, you think

Wayne: Yes. Well I'm sure they'll think so in Hindu countries... and Norway.

Lorane: Are you going to make the coffins?

Wayne: They’re too small. But they could be buried in matchboxes together.

Lorane: Like bodies thrown into a plague pit? Nice

Wayne: Bingo.

Lorane: Where’s the dignity in that?

Wayne: Well it’s better than leaving them to rot where they are.

Lorane: In which case, may I suggest that you bulk purchase some matchboxes and get busy? Because there are millions of ants dying in Britain everyday.
So what's this idea? Is it as stupid as your ant coffin idea?

Wayne: Oh yes yes. Right. My idea is right up your street this time. Boring, but I swear it's a money spinner if ever there was one.

Lorane voice: Right Wayne. Don't keep the world waiting. Spill the beans

Wayne voice: Okay. Listen up. Mm erp serb...irish...ha oop...ah...tell...monkeys...nerp ner pit... monkeys an.

Lorane text: Say again

Wayne voice: Yeah no problem nerp....scimple...and um...so what do you think? Monkey.

Lorane text: Not got ur message

Wayne text: Is it showing or not there at all?

Lorane text: no idea what you said apart from yeah so what do u think monkey

Wayne text: Eh?

Lorane voice: The last message you sent it was all broken up. I just heard, ‘So what do you think?’ And then you said, ‘Monkey’.

Wayne voice: (Surprised) Oh. Okay, well what...erm...yeah...so there’s no problem...so all we would have to....monkey....and that’s it.

Lorane voice: Can you stop saying monkey? What is going on tonight?
I’ve got to play you this back.

Wayne voice: Lorane, are you okay? I just went into quite some....ail....and then there’s no response from you and it....so there’s no.....okay so.....Monkey.....if it’s your idea then that’s fine. I just need a response.

Lorane text: All ur messages are breaking up i can only pick out monkey words

Wayne text: What are monkey words? Have you been drinking?

Wayne voice: Have you tried standing nearer your Wi-.

Lorane text: Please help me

I AM TRYING TO RESPOND BUT NOTHING IS DOWNLOADING TO U!!!

Wayne voice: -about worth it.

Lorane voice: Seriously, when the voice message is downloaded two blue ticks come up. If you don’t see those ticks I haven’t heard it, okay?

Wayne text: Roger that. You sound ticked off.

Lorane text: Not ticked off, just ****king irritated.

Wayne text: What is the plural of asterix?

Lorane:What?

Wayne text: Nevermind. Just want to know what those stars mean.

Lorane: Do you think I'll ever get to hear what your idea is? Or are forces conspiring against us?

Wayne text: Well it's funny you should say that because it could be a plot involving WhatsApp and the New World Government. If I die in a car crash you'll know why. I'm serious, Lorane. This idea is red hot and it's going to put noses out of joint. Big time.

Lorane text: I'm all ears. Or eyes. In a nutshell, please

Wayne voice: Okay in a nutshell I've just noticed...we ....gate or even....Michael Aspel.....moisteuriser....Monkey.

Lorane voice: Is this a wind up? All I'm getting is lots of monkey business.

Wayne text: Actually I think you're winding me up. And if you are (types then crosses out)

Lorane text: Then what?

Wayne text: I'm trying to tell you something really important, Lorane and you choose now to start being silly. So there will be ramifications, that's all.

Lorane text: Yes please.

Wayne text: What?

Lorane text: Are you going to spank me?

Wayne text: I might.

Lorane text: I've just realised. Text is working fine. Why not type your idea?

Wayne text: Okay. I think we should start our own carpet business. There's no carpet shop in this town and it's crying out for one.

Lorane text: Oh, right. What was all that about Monkeys?

Wayne text: There's a derelict site in Munkay Avenue up for auction.

Lorane: Munkay...you mean Munday?

Wayne text: That's the one.

Lorane text: And that's it?

Wayne text: And I think besides carpets we could sell designer windbreakers, as this is a seaside town.

Lorane text: with monkeys on them?