Winter Of Love

Entry by: safemouse

25th November 2016

Well there is that element of it

I want to hide a lie in this poem
Because the truth isn't my favourite colour
And to make it sound
suitably tragic

You see I'm single again
And, as traffic rolls through drowsy puddles
I think about natural cycles:
Me alone - me with you - me alone

I gaze from one side to the other
through the sleight of hand
to the gloom of last December
where Poundland carols cheered me down

I see a me that already knew you
more or less, through others
But could not have known if or when
we would ever meet

And on Christmas day
Santa refused to deliver me
So I set my sights
on some unseeable horizon

Then you came
And made me warm
I made you cold
What more need be said?

You crept like drizzle into my heart
And swirled like a flurry in a January sky
Dishonest snowflakes in window displays
fall appropriately now you've melted away

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: How difficult you made it for me to pick a favourite line, so I picked three.
Favourite sentence: I want to hide a lie in this poem
Because the truth isn't my favourite colour,
Where Poundland carols cheered me down,
You crept like drizzle into my heart.
Feedback: I really liked this poem, well done. I`m afraid I marked you down a little on style; I felt you were too wedded to the idea of each verse having four lines, cutting natural lines in two as a result. Which to me broke the natural rhythm of the poem. Just my opinion. But really; well done:)

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: Witty and well-written
Favourite sentence: Where Poundland carols cheered me down
Feedback: Very well structured, and a measured tone that stops it becoming self-indulgent.
It's main strength is the clever winter metaphors. But one or two get close to clichÃ©.

Winter Of Love

Entry by: safemouse

25th November 2016

Feedback: Average score: 338 (68%)

Marker comments:

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