Lovers Never Lose

Entry by: safemouse

27th June 2017

Lyrics for a song in the style of Alex Turner (but not David Bowie)

Thank you Gods for my frontal lobe
It gives me words to say
It dresses my feelings
In these robes
So I can tell you
That though you never slept next to me
I always woke up thinking of you

You'd come to mine
And see it through my eyes
I'd go to yours
There was so much love in that house
I didn't know where to hide

I climbed that hill several times
It was dark in your little town
Your night sky was better than mine
And you were waiting
With warm feelings for me
And food made especially

And I'm sending you messages
On the train back home
But I'm not telling you I love you
Because I don't know

And in that place
With the horrible carpet
And the staircase
That fills you with terror
In a recurring dream
I thought we'd go there someday
And I'd protect you and take you
Somewhere safe
But it seems that was just another dream

And if lovers never lose
Were we lovers
Or something else?
Or is it impossible to lose
A part of yourself

Cos I've been flicking through thoughts of you
That are pretty useless umbrellas
When melancholy rains on my feelings
Like thoughts of you are wounds
That I don't want to stop bleeding

Cos I'm sending you messages
On the train back home
But I'm not telling you I love you
Because I don't think I do
Until it's too late
It's too late

Marker 1

What I liked about this piece: It's very beautifully writen, with a great flow to it and some stunning imagery and emotion running through.
Favourite sentence: "I climbed that hill several times
It was dark in your little town
Your night sky was better than mine
And you were waiting"
Feedback: Beautiful writing and very emotionally vulnerable, easy to get lost and awed in. The one little problem is sometimes the clarity of meaning is list because maybe you understand the phrase in emotional sense but sometimes it is too specifically tailored to your experiences and so looses the reader for a second.

Marker 2

What I liked about this piece: I liked the succession of images: the horrible house, the darkness, the dream.
Favourite sentence: And if lovers never lose
Were we lovers
Or something else?
Feedback: Odd to have to mark a song without the accompanying music: near-impossible, in fact. Still, I liked the threads of regret and sadness that run through it. The movement from 'But I'm not telling you I love you / Because I don't know.' to 'But I'm not telling you I love you / Because I don't think I do.' in the nearest thing to a chorus, for me works really well.
However I struggled to connect with the premise: a love affair gone sour? But then, 'you never slept next to me'...removes that historic intensity / passion. Similarly, the horrible house may have been a delicate metaphor but I didn't get it. Overall, some powerful images and a bleak tone, but a bit too abstract to work as a piece of writing. It could work very well as a song - who knows?

Marker 3

What I liked about this piece: I like the innocent intent of fresh fledgeling lovers!! It's described so well in the first three stanzas.
Favourite sentence: I've been flicking through thoughts of you.
Feedback: I like the repetition of 'cos I'm sending you messages on the way back home...it's too late'. I like the technique, the loop back to an earlier stanza, a fully immersive moment, where the reader is gripped by the inevitable end.