Work In Progress

Part One:

I don't write poetry. So please forgive the cheesiness of this. I'll try and work on it a bit before pressing send but it'll probably be quite bad!!! I write short stories, long ones mostly, and today I'm just not quite there in energy to hit the keyboard that many times, so I've slowed down and written an excuse for a poem.

Work in Progress

I'm an unfinished picture, the detail not quite there
I'm a roaring angel, my expression one of dare
Staring fear in the eye, tempting it to try
To shake my foundations and make me cry.

I'm the whistleblower, the one you didn't see
I'm the one who'll dob you in if you hurt those close to me
Writing a letter fearlessly, tempting you to lie
To hide the truth inside your mind, indignantly deny.

I'm the one who fights her demons day after day
I'm the one whose confidence never knew the way
Shining out to the world, saying I AM HERE
To take you on and do my bit and hold those I love dear.

I'm the one who beat disease, for now anyway
I'm the one if it comes back to it I'll gently say
Beating you was a journey, one I had to take
To find out who I really was, one again I'd make.

I'm the one who'll try anything, maybe just the once
I'm the one up for anything, sometimes I have won
Scribbling as often as I can, I'm in my content place
To express all I can about life, about this race.

I'm the one who likes to help sometimes far too much
Councils, causes, charities, mates, schools and such
Practising saying no, sometimes it's difficult
To remember life's mine too, not just by default.

I'm the one who's cried at night, many times before
I'm the one who gets it when you say you can't take more
Living's the hardest thing you can do, this I understand
To ask for help, yes you can. Here, take my hand.

I'm the one who can't write poems, not very well at least
I'm the one stories come to - never famine, feast
Writing's what I love though today I've just no time
To write longer stuff, so here's some wobbly rhyme.

I'm a work in progress, for marks I do not care
I'm having a bit of fun, just something to share
Recognising you might nod along, in certain parts
We're all one family, all one race, we're not so far apart.

So if you think this ain't so good, it's fine, mark me down
I hope I've made you smile a bit, hope not made you frown
The rhyming's getting worse, I see, it's time for me to go
I've 1000 things yet to do today, and the world to show.

My god, even by my standards that was pretty awful!!! Dilemma - press 'submit' anyway or try to make it better. I think it is probably beyond help. Wish I'd tried a flippin' story now!

Part 2

There's a bit of time left. I wanted to write about who I am and why I am and where I am. Life's been a crazy journey, all of it so far. I wanted to write a list of all the things I am and turn it into a poem but I'm just no poet, as you can see above.

We are all works in progress. I wanted to somehow write about where I was compared to where I've been as the last decade has been stuffed full of more lessons than I wanted or thought I could deal with. Turns out most of us can deal with most stuff that life chucks at us. The best is yet to come, but the worst is probably yet to come too, as they are both sides of the same coin. Hiding from life and not opening yourself up to all the millions of possibilities out there is pointless. This is the biggest lesson I've learned. I was a fearful kid and a fearful adult, so I systematically took on every fear I had and dealt with them. For example: Every year for four years I've held the biggest tarantula I can get hold of. Still makes me want to faint and be sick but I don't shake as much. This year's session is on Sunday, in Glasgow.

I was terrified of dying, so life gave me two life threatening diseases to deal with - and I'm still here! And far less afraid. You can look for danger around every corner - you still won't see it coming as it'll be from above or behind. So absolutely pointless worrying about it. Head up, feet forwards and all that.

I've learned to speak my truth, which has been painful and awful for some of those concerned and I still don't know how it will pan out. Some truths get buried and will dig their way our regardless, or make you ill in the process. You have to just let them out. Open the box, see what happens. I'm living this, right now.

With writing: a few things I've learned that I'm going to pass on. Just WRITE. Anything, any time. Find your unique voice (mine's NOT poetry!!!) I send each story that I think's good off somewhere. Sometimes they do well first time. Sometimes they don't. I then send them off again. Rinse, repeat. I'll do this up to five times, and then I might retire the story to the File of Doom on my desktop, where it will never see the light of day again. Several times, my stories have found a home on their fifth outing to the world. Read things aloud. Read a lot. Write what hasn't been written yet - what book or story would YOU like to read? Everyone writes different ways. I never plan yet I thought you had to. Often I have absolutely no idea where a story is going. Don't necessarily start at the beginning. Try anything - even poetry, even if you know it's dreadful.

My writing plan three years ago was to get in 10+ anthologies and then try to find an agent. Ha ha!! My plan changed after getting in more than the required number of anthologies and I bought myself a mentorship program. No, I didn't have the money, but I have a credit card and there was an offer and I know the money will come in as my small holiday let business always does well in the spring/summer. I'm learning so much from my mentor - my collection of stories is very much a work in progress.

The biggest life lesson that I've had to learn painfully and slowly and bravely, was to love myself. I literally didn't like who I was for 35 years of my life, with the odd reprieve when I'd let myself off and decided to be proud of myself and then spend the next fortnight berating myself for being arrogant. I hated myself as a kid. I thought nobody liked me - and I mean, nobody. As an adult it got worse then better, but the basic mental foundation I had was, 'you're crap'. It took nearly a decade to properly work through this and it was scary, but hell it was liberating. I now like who I am. If you don't like who you are, work on it. As a teacher the first thing I work on with kids is self-esteem.

The world is going crazy - do your own tiny bit to make it better.

These have been some of my works in progress. A tiny insight into who I am. A ramble about nothing in particular: a work in progress, that I may come back to one day and do something with.

Hope you're having a fabulous weekend. Do something crazy/something that you're scared of....

With love! Me.